Broken Brenchel

I wrote about the most recent Big Brother it couple while the season was still in full swing. In more recent news, infidelity has rocked the couple. I don’t follow the celeb gossip closely so pardon any mistakes in the details.

Apparently some celeb wannabe posted on Twitter that she’s been having an affair with the Brendon half of Brenchel. she helpfully included pictures he sent, one of his erect penis. Initially he denied it, typical wayward attitude. Even in the face of photographic evidence, he attempted to claim it wasn’t him.

My understanding is that at this point Rachel is friends with the other woman (whose claim to fame seems to be spreading her legs and tweeting offensive racist remarks). While Brendon admits to a ‘Skype affair’ he’s still denying actual intercourse. Again, a typical wayward lie. Although it might be true, statistics usually weigh in on that claim as a lie.

All in all, I’m not surprised. When two people attach the way these two do, it can be a sign of the emotional vampirism that usually accompanies a person that cheats. They need more and more validation and suck it from where ever they can. When they current partner is no longer fresh to them, they seek another to feed from.

Since I haven’t updated my story

Honestly, it hurts too much to write the details, even these years later. I was hoping it would change with time, but not so far. It’s like it was yesterday when I bring it out.

So here’s the stroy, sort of, with some humor:

Their Luuuuv Story

I think I’ll do another one of my ‘friend’ and MrJJ later. Have I mentioned I found her on Facebook?  She’s a pug.  With some shar pei mixed in now that she’s getting older.  The years have not been kind.  Her ex is married to a much younger woman and I can only hope he doesn’t bring his creepy, swinging ways into her bedroom.

Funny little video showing the ridiculous way affairs start

One of the members at SI created this.  Unfortunately, I cannot embed a video from this site on WordPress for some reason so here’s the link:

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7475989

The Subconscious and Triggers

I was in my recovery class last night learning about the subconscious. How it’s formed, what’s stored in there and so on.

One statement that was made was very interesting to me. The speaker said that the subconscious cannot tell reality from fantasy (ie- a memory). I discussed it with my facilitator and how that plays out in real life is a large part of how triggers work.

For instance, you hear a song or smell something that brings you right back to a moment in childhood. It’s your subconscious recognizing what you don’t consciously and recalling that memory like it’s in the present. Not differentiating the memory from the actual present.

This is what happens when we trigger. We have certain experiences- sight, sound, taste, touch and so on- that bring us back to a moment that has been cemented into our subconscious and when it recalls that from the memory banks, it’s almost real to us and we react accordingly because of those strong feelings.

Reminding ourselves that the actual memory is of the past and things are changing helps. Lingering reinforces the memory and creates another layer in that moment.

I don’t know about you all, but that is very hard for me. I’ve buried my pain for years and it’s very hard to recognize when I am doing that again or if I am acknowledging the feeling, letting it pass then dealing w/ the new, present one the trigger has brought up. It’s a learning process that I hope to get better at, because the stuffing isn’t working any more than wallowing would.

don’t mind me

I need to rant about life for a moment.

My father lost his wife this morning. Her daughter and son lost their mother. Her mother lost her daughter. We should never have to bury our kids, yet she is flying to my dad and the kids to discuss funeral arrangements.

IT’S NOT FAIR!
She was young. She had just gotten a nursing degree. She had a daughter to see go to the prom, get married, a son to watch graduate.  Maybe even a daughter-in-law one day to frustrate.  Possibly in the future, grandchildren to hold.

I never met her and yet she was loving to my kids, more than my mom ever was.

My dad was a betrayed spouse too (my mother cheated multiple times). He’s been searching for that lifetime love and I believe he found it, only for it to be cut so short, so suddenly.

IT’S NOT FAIR.

We had so much in common. She always had a cheerful, bubbly hello for me when I called. She was such a blessing to my daddy and now she’s gone.

I miss her though I never met her. I hurt for my dad. For her kids. For her mom.

When I think of the people who do evil, wicked things and they never stumble on a pebble in their life- it just makes me cry out IT’S NOT FAIR!

I find myself questioning my faith and clinging to it at the same time.

Please, pray for my family, especially her daughter. The father is…fucked up. Pray that she will be put in custody with her grandmother, my dad, even her brother rather than the cruel man that is her father. It’s just a few years until she is of age, please pray she is able to live them in a loving and supportive environment.

just wondering

Why I have tried to be good my entire life? Where has it gotten me? In pain, alone, dissatisfied.

People always talk about karma and living well and pap like that. Yet the ones that hurt me most for their own selfish gain have moved on to more satisfying lives than I have. I am alone in picking up the pieces.

What is the purpose? The point? Where does it end?

The Honeymoon

The last time I saw or spoke to Creep he was walking into the airport.  I changed my email address, stopped the role playing, threw myself into work.  I kept getting phone calls I assumed were him (this was before the days of caller ID), to the point I had to unplug my phone.   I only recently learned some of those calls may have been MrJJ  I had my number changed and unlisted, but gave it to MrJJ.

Six months after we separated, we reconciled.  At one point MrJJ found the receipt for the hotel and asked if I had had sex with Creep there.  I told myself it wasn’t a lie to say no.  I began pushing the shameful memory as deep into my subconscious as I could.

We got along better than ever.  MrJJ had stopped hurting me physically and for the most part had stopped the verbal stuff too.  He had graduated in ’96 and was trying for a ‘real’ job while working on classes towards a Masters.  I graduated soon after we reconciled.  At the beginning of the school year, I got my first job teaching high school.  MrJJ began training as a police officer.  Things were looking up.

Ready to be Committed

At the end of the semester, we had a choice, go our separate ways or agree to be there for each other. MrJJ was going to go to boot camp for thirteen weeks. My family was moving across country. I had a choice, stay or go. For years MrJJ believed I made the choice to stay because of him. The truth was, I liked college. If I moved, I would be considered out of state for at least a year. I would have to start the enrollment process all over again. And I would still have to live on my own…in a state I had only visited previously. So I stayed to stay in college.

I worked the summer at a local factory. Night shift. Twelve hours a day. Six days a week. I wrote MrJJ every day, counting down the time until he was out of boot camp. I saved up enough to pay for my first semester back in college until financial aid kicked in.

The letters MrJJ sent me were often addressed to “Mrs. Jem” using his last name. Since the first hesitant I Love You he had insisted on becoming engaged before he left. I refused, but agreed to Promise rings. He actually got one for himself also. They looked just like wedding bands, but silver.

Our reunion at graduation was joyous, one of my favorite pictures ever was taken then, we seemed to be melded into each other.

There were a few weeks until we were back in school and attached at the hip again. By the end of the school year, we decided to move in together. We found a cheap apartment and began to acquire things like a couch, kitchen supplies and a bed.

When time came to move, I ended up moving everything from both of our dorm rooms on my own. MrJJ left to help a friend with something. It was supposed to be a couple of hours, he was gone all day. I was pissed at having to do it all myself and maybe this should have clued me in.

That summer, I was the only one working. We barely eked by. I tried to reign in the spending, but if there was money, it ended up being spent. I stopped cleaning up, waiting to see how long it would be before he pitched in. He had learned well from his mom. She was the single mom of an only child. She would come home from a full day at work and clean up after MrJJ That seems to be what he expected from me. I had been expected to clean up after myself since I could remember. I had been looking forward to a partner. It didn’t happen. A stupid issue that shows how lacking communication was between us.