just…

I have no support system now really.  I usually like an online support system so people don’t feel obligated to respond.  I still felt alone there so I had someone else change my password so I could break the addiction.

I was in a nice little plateau.  Now I feel like I have fallen off the edge.  I hate, I obsess, I want to be HEARD.  We did a Bible study and one of the verses said to approach someone that had wronged you and give them a chance to change.  I feel justified in doing so but I know the people that hurt me the most would never do so, would never even care about my pain.  I would contact with expectations, no matter what I told myself.

There could be no words that would equalize what has been done to me.

My own husband is still trying to prove to me his love and two years later even though he is a changed man and I agreed to a covenant marriage, I am not in love like I used to be, even when he was mistreating me.  To me, he is a bomb waiting to go off and cast shrapnel into my heart.

I don’t know how to leave a man that is loving.  It was all I could do to leave a man who had abused me in so many ways.  How do I tear apart my family when there is such change?

How do I stay with the pain?  Muted to the others that hurt me?  Helpless to be heard.

MrJJ says that when he gets home tomorrow he will begin showing me how he will fight for this marriage, how he will care for me even if I don’t care for him.

I’m afraid it might be too late.  A part of me has died in the past few years.  Slowly died.

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babies. if…then…but…

I find myself in tears again. Someone on my support board posted a/b the birth of her baby. I guess I wouldn’t have been hit so hard, but it was a homebirth (this is a mainstream board, not my usual crunchy mamas boards). And the picture…well, you guys know that newborn look.

After Sweet Daughter I had felt like there was someone missing from our family. MrJJ and I agreed to possibly adopt a third. Though I do like being pregnant and even birth.

If you look back in my blog (though it might be set to diary), you’ll see that just over 2yrs ago I was possibly pregnant. There was a faint positive. Then, about a week later, I had a miscarriage. It was early, maybe 7-8 weeks. I went through it all almost on my own. I didn’t even tell MrJJ until after b/c of how he was treating me at the time. I didn’t know it, but he was in the affair.

I know now that after I finally turned to him for support, Harlot told him she was pregnant. She didn’t tell him when he picked her up for work in the morning, when he drove her home and they spent time at her mom’s apartment. Instead, she waited until he left and was on his way home. Then, a week later she got an abortion.

We also know now that it was possibly a lie. To me, the timing is just cruel. Also, she told him she was diagnosed as infertile, they had unprotected sex twice, her periods were irregular and yet she knew to test when she was barely late- though she was used to being late. The abortion was the Saturday after Thanksgiving, she was trying to talk him into antiquing that day. Went to dinner with a friend and somehow fit the abortion in. Was sexually active less than two weeks later and on birth control. I know I blogged this all before, I guess this is my way of working it out.

I commented to MrJJ the other day that had things been different, he might have had three or four kids at this point.

There came a point when I was mourning my lost baby and her thrown away baby that MrJJ tried to talk me into a third. I just can’t risk it. I feel like I am taking enough of a risk staying, no matter what leaf he has turned over.

So I look at the pictures like the one today, I see the tender skin, the fingers curled, lips pouting, soft hair waiting to be touched…tiny arch of a nose…

And I cry. Never again. Not for me. I lost my chance. My spirit baby has to fly to another mommy. I try to tell myself my family is perfect, we are balanced. If that’s true, then why do I feel like someone is missing in times like these? Is it just biological drive? If so, that’s just so odd because it’s not every baby that sets me off. There was a newborn in my Bible study group and I had none of these stirrings.

I feel lost and confused and maybe a bit angry that my choices are now affected by the bad choices others made in my stead two years ago.

Opinions please…MIL issues…Reality Check!

Time for yet another reality check.

I am getting to the point where the idea of visiting MIL (mother-in-law) makes me grit my teeth and I am considering just sending MrJJ and the kids from here on out.

I always thought it was odd that she called every week, without fail. But then I told myself, it’s just that my family is crap at keeping in touch (me included- it seems to be a family trait for all but Sis.) The asking what he had to eat that day and things along that line though…kinda “cut the apron strings” already to me.

Add to that her and her family have always made comments about my weight. Once I had lost 20lbs, down to the weight I am now, and I was still called fat. These are NOT tiny women. Even when I lost 65lbs due to the stress in my life in early ’07, I never heard one thing about how different I was compared to the last time they saw me. The difference was so profound that a casual acquaintance who hadn’t seen me in a year didn’t recognize me until I spoke! Yet, no compliments from the ILs. They never hesitate to tell me my ‘hams are thick’ or I look pregnant.

For every thing that MrJJ has done to harm me- physically and emotionally- MIL makes and excuse and admonishes me to be grateful I am not a single mom. She divorced FIL for many of the same issues!

It go worse when we had kids. She resented me breastfeeding. She believes we should leave the kids w/ her for the summer (at 8 and 4yo!) when the 2-3 days we usually stay she just sticks them in front of the tv and feeds them junk food. Yet me being a SAHM and now homeschooling means I don’t socialize the kids enough. Even when I share our very busy schedule w/ her. She didn’t even like the fact we still had Silly Son in a carseat- at 4yo! “Are you going to make him stay in that thing until he’s a teenager?” Well, no, just as long as he fits into a seatbelt and is safe w/out one.

The last straw has been building up. Getting the kids gifts for every tiny holiday, including Mother’s Day but ignoring me- Mother’s Day I did get a small afterthought card w/ some cash. Sent out days after their big box was sent. Then ignoring my birthday completely.

The final straw was the last conversation I had with her- which I posted about here. Basically she accused me of trying to sneak the kids out of the country. Then told me, when I told her of a job offer I got out of the blue, that it was about time I started contributing to the family.

I supported MrJJ and myself from about May ’93 until I quit work less than a week before Chase was born. Most of that penny pinching on minimum wage. Only for the 18mos or less did MrJJ have a steady job. He was and still is a spendthrift. I hold us together.

Am I just letting myself transfer emotions from the marriage onto my MIL? Or would you be upset too?

Well, she crapped all over that!

I put this under dreams and supernatural and right now I am feeling like MIL is a supernatural creature. Maybe a Gorgon. I’m vilifying her, I know but right now she’s the recipient of all of my bile.

I was so flattered to be offered the job. I did my best to push my usual self-talk aside (like, he wants an in to the homeschooling community, it’s not that I impressed him).

MIL called yesterday, like she ALWAYS does on Sundays. First of all she accuses me of sneaking off to Jordan with the kids. That it was lucky she “just happened to call’. BITCH YOU ALWAYS CALL ON SUNDAYS. I knew that and planned on telling you then- as I don’t really want to bother talking to you more than I have to.

Then, because I know she likes to brag to her family, I told her of the job offer. The crux of her response was that it would be nice if I contributed to the family. I mentioned the homeschooling taking up much time, she just repeated herself.

I know she means monetary contributions, but it’s upsetting nevertheless. If we have money issues it’s due to her son’s spending- which he learned from her. He makes good money. We should never have to worry, but we do. My working wouldn’t fix anything, it would just give him more to spend. Even if it goes into my sole account, that saved money ends up being the slush fund. When it’s supposed to be my ‘visit MY family and safety’ money.

So, today, between feeling lately like some household object nobody notices and what MIL said, it has really gotten to me. I’ve been upset lately about all these trips and the classes MrJJ has taken when I feel like he should have focused on my healing this past two years. Instead, I am constantly on the back burner, no matter how lovingly. Even MIL looks at me like that, I now know.

MrJJ says he’s renewing everything with this trip. That he’s realized how much I have waited. Now though, I just feel like if I don’t matter why am I even trying? I keep waiting for the BIG thing, the one action that says I am going in the right direction. And I just keep getting lots of little potholes.

Big Day for my Ego

You may or may not know this, but I don’t have much when it comes to self esteem. For every good thing about me, I have a, “Yeah but…” It can be anything from appearance and attitude to housework and intelligence. It’s one of the things I’ve been working on with my therapist.

To the point.

I was on the phone with our travel agent today. I was going to just do price searching online, figured I’d give a TA a try and was surprised to learn I actually saved money. So I’ve been working with this guy trying to pull together a trip to Jordan in less than three weeks for three people- two of them minors without passports. We’ve spent more time than I would want to on the phone.

Today he was calling me to let me know he was faxing the tickets over to my neighbor (we don’t have a fax). He said, “I want you to think about this while you are on your trip. I think you’re a very smart girl, I’ve been impressed with how you handle things. You could work from home and be our area representative. Think about it.”

Wow. A job offer and I wasn’t even looking.

Then, as I was shopping for a vow renewal dress (I’ll add that as a post script at the bottom), the lady asked me to be very careful to not get my makeup on the dresses. I told her I wasn’t wearing makeup except the long-wear lipstick that usually takes a sand-blaster to get off. She looked somewhat stunned and said, “Then honey, you don’t need to wear any, you look beautiful just like that.”

Why is it when strangers compliment you it seems to sink in more? It can help, but I’ve seen it lead to devastating issues too. Regardless, I feel pretty good today as those are two issues that I often feel lowest about- my looks and intellect.

RE: The vow renewal dress. The one I posted came. Though it had custom measurements, apparently the company believes that your waist measurement should also equal you under the bust measurement. The cummerbund part that goes from the waist to under the bust was all the same. Unfortunately, at some point in that expanse I have ribs. Ribs that are not flexible enough to become my waist. Oh, and it was white instead of ivory. So I had to scramble looking for a new dress. The one I picked today is almost night and day from the other dress. It did what I truly believed wasn’t possible- it made me feel beautiful. Like I tell hubby, I am cute, maybe even pretty but I am not the beautiful type. I almost cried looking in the mirror I was so stunned. It’s being hemmed by my friend- who was also stunned. And thrilled, she had told me to embrace the woman I had become and to not try and look like the young bride from nearly 15yrs ago.

I’ll post pictures as soon as I can, though I don’t get the dress back until Tuesday and we leave Wednesday, so it might not be until I actually have a purpose to wear the dress.

you see, I’m scared

And per usual, it’s stupid.

I had a really hard day last week. I’m talking really hard. I was crumpled in a ball and forced myself to crawl and call for help. I called MrJJ. Anyone else, I would be embarrassed to be seen (heard) as weak as I was. I couldn’t even get words out my friends. I felt like I have been being strong on my own for far too long. Childhood issues, marriage issues and now the past two years…my husband gone 12mos of that off and on. I’m constantly feeling like I’m breaking.

He sends me flowers. For the first time ever, sends just to lift me up. He’ll occasionally buy a bunch of flowers on the way home, but this was a first. A small mix of blooms in a teacup, with a teddy bear and a note that read: ‘These flowers represent the beauty that is you. I hope you are having a good day. Your loving husband, MrJJ.’

I had to fight Sweet Daughter for the teddy bear. Sorry, I need something tangible sometimes.

Then a couple of days ago I get an e-card, w/ the note:

“You’re the only thing that matters in my little world other than Silly Son and Sweet Daughter. How much easier life becomes once the veil has been lifted and you see whats really important. Thinking of you with Love MrJJ

God knows how much I love you and long for you with the tender compassion of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:8”

It scared me at first. After all the years struggling in our marriage, I have this. What if I lose it? What if it’s not real? How much more will that hurt?

I have been working my way towards a big step. MrJJ still thinks I have the smallest of a clue. I know he wants us to renew our vows when/if the family gets to Jordan to visit him. I know he wants to do it on Mt. Nebo, a place he feels a spiritual connection to.

I found my wedding dress and he mentioned I should bring it. Not a big deal, it’s a white cotton dress a friend gave me. Still fits believe it or not.

I never had that wedding most women dream of. I had a Justice of the Peace wedding when we were 20yo. I could go into the story, but lets say it involves rain, pissy in-laws, a guy in cuffs and no viable pictures.

I am practical. Too practical most times. It can take the fun out of life. I am trying to get past that.

So. Today I bought a wedding dress.

I did get it in ivory. But, just for one day, I will be the fantasy. I will be my own princess and pray that this man has truly become the prince he always promised to be.

going, going, gone

MrJJ is leaving for another extended trip. This time he says if we can’t come to stay with him halfway through, he’s coming home. He can’t stand to be away from his wife and family that long.

He put off until the last minute calling his mom though. He was supposed to stay with her for the weekend, I had decided that since the visit would be with her and jerk FIL, I would beg off and stay home. It was my first time standing up for myself. The last visit was horrible. We were at his father’s for 5hrs, during most of that time, nobody but the kids said a word to me. I conquered Jewel Quest Solitaire on my cell. Would have burned up some minutes but both his parents live in BFE and there is NO cell reception for a 30min drive around.

Instead, MrJJ decided Silly Son had soccer, I had church obligations- so we’d stay home. I offered to invite his mom up, but he kept putting it off. Calling when he knew she was out and not answering her calls. “It’s too late at night, she knows better than to call late.” “It’s 8pm!” “I’ll talk to her later.” Anyhow, he calls her on Saturday then turns off his phone after a short chat with her. When he turned it back on a few hours later, she had left seven messages, begging him to call her. He calls back, then leaves the phone behind when he walks into a store. She calls three more times in 15mins. MrJJ finally gives in and calls her back. She got her stepson to drive her to the place we used to live (a/b 2hrs south of where we are now) and wants to meet at the outlet mall. Again, I have church obligations and can’t ask them to find someone else mere hours before service. We figure I won’t stay for second service, we’ll just leave when my class is over.

The other messages from when the phone was shut off were from a lady willing to take our dog. I believe MrJJ shut off his phone to avoid both his mom and this lady. She lives in the southern VA area, we live in in the Mason Dixon area. So MrJJ arranges with her to meet her at the outlet mall (2hr drive for each of them) at around 11pm. Which means I can’t come.

So, the entire day pretty much alone after some drama, arguments, tears (I am forcing the ousting of the dog).

So she’s gone, he’ll be gone soon and sometimes it feels like I am the only one anchored to one place. Me, the person who actually liked change and travel. I guess I’m getting too old for it anyhow.

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