Lies in the Attic

I was watching a BBC version of Jane Eyre. I began to think about when it became one of my favorite books. I was just about 12 years old. I identified with the young Jane. Bookish, didn’t belong anywhere really. One good friend. Losses. Abuse.

As I got older, the relationship between Jane and Rochester grew as my understanding of a love between a man and woman grew. Somewhere, deep inside, I wanted my Rochester. My man that would see beyond the girl who was still a bookish wall flower. The one to draw me out. The one to declare his love and how being separated from me would cause a heartbreak he’d never recover from. My innocent mind glossed over the mind games Rochester played on Jane. Of the three stages of the book, only one mattered. The one where they loved and were together.

By 18 years old I found my Rochester. Dark, strong and somewhat brooding. I just knew there was love sleeping inside of him. At first, it seemed like I was right. Here was a man (well, at 18 physically a man if not otherwise) loving me. Seeing beauty in me that nobody had seen before.

I was naive and didn’t see the tricks. That this type of man was often angry and entitled. I didn’t realize that if a man was dark and brooding, there was a reason for it. And as long as he kept that reason hidden in the attic, those around him would be affected by the visits of the specter he tried to lock away.

I’ve been injured by my Rochester’s attic secret. He’s kept secrets from me and himself. That doesn’t make them go away, just get crazier. That’s what brought the affairs on. A man who believed he could lock away secrets and take what he wanted. Childhood issues he can’t or won’t face. Some I knew, one I didn’t until at least a year after the second affair had ended. He was angry and snapped at me that others had had a hard life too. That others could forgive. He had. When he was six or seven a neighborhood teenage boy molested him for a few days. He kept it to himself until he was about 12 years old then told his mom. A year’s worth of therapy and he was fine and had forgiven the perpetrator. It was all in the past.

Except to me it wasn’t. It was one more secret in 15 years of secrets and lies. Again, years have passed and I don’t know any more than what I’ve shared here. I believe that a person who cannot talk about a wound still has healing to be done in that wound. Our son’s birthday was exactly a month before the second affair started. He turned the same age my husband was when he was molested. I believe it was a trigger. My Rochester refuses to see it. He’s keeping his blind spot.
Even if he’s right and my research into the long term effects of molestation are wrong, he has more issues from his childhood he’s never faced.

He’s wounded and crippled. I’m not Jane though. I didn’t find my support system and get validated. I don’t have the strength to nurse him back to a whole man who can see clearly. I have my own scars. Many he helped cause and even layered one over the other. Rochester can love me, but can he be whole enough to pull me out of the web he’s created?

I wanted my Rochester. I just never realized how true to form he would be when he pulled me from the shadows.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sandy
    Jun 17, 2014 @ 02:21:32

    Where are you? I haven’t written in my blog for five years and now that I am back, I decided to look up old friends on here. Please contact me.

    Reply

    • jemjester
      Mar 11, 2016 @ 00:53:15

      I’m still here, sort of. Haven’t checked this in forever. Honestly don’t think the details will ever be less raw. Keeping myself busy since I went back to work. Never be fully dependent again, KWIM?

      Reply

  2. Carol
    Aug 06, 2016 @ 16:55:36

    Hi how are you now? Hope you are recovering well

    Reply

    • jemjester
      Mar 11, 2017 @ 13:33:35

      I’ve recovered, but my marriage hasn’t. I should update the blog as I’m the prime example of being married to a cheaters who shows regret, but not remorse. Remorse would’ve made him do the work to repair our marriage instead of just saying the words. Ten years on and I can’t trust him when he says, “I’m all in” because in the past, his actions proved his words to be untrustworthy.

      Reply

  3. Sandy
    Apr 25, 2017 @ 00:37:03

    Wow, ten years already!! You really should update your blog and keep writing. It helped me over the years to get it all out there. I remember those days all too well and I’m glad I left when I did. Unfortunately, we do have a daughter so there are times when we do have to communicate and that’s when I realize I did the right thing by leaving when I did. Hope to see more writing from you.

    Reply

    • jemjester
      Aug 02, 2017 @ 21:42:31

      I should, and I’ve been meaning to try. I recently returned to work and the hours have been insane. I don’t have much time for extras, KWIM?

      Reply

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