Funny little video showing the ridiculous way affairs start

One of the members at SI created this.  Unfortunately, I cannot embed a video from this site on WordPress for some reason so here’s the link:


The Subconscious and Triggers

I was in my recovery class last night learning about the subconscious. How it’s formed, what’s stored in there and so on.

One statement that was made was very interesting to me. The speaker said that the subconscious cannot tell reality from fantasy (ie- a memory). I discussed it with my facilitator and how that plays out in real life is a large part of how triggers work.

For instance, you hear a song or smell something that brings you right back to a moment in childhood. It’s your subconscious recognizing what you don’t consciously and recalling that memory like it’s in the present. Not differentiating the memory from the actual present.

This is what happens when we trigger. We have certain experiences- sight, sound, taste, touch and so on- that bring us back to a moment that has been cemented into our subconscious and when it recalls that from the memory banks, it’s almost real to us and we react accordingly because of those strong feelings.

Reminding ourselves that the actual memory is of the past and things are changing helps. Lingering reinforces the memory and creates another layer in that moment.

I don’t know about you all, but that is very hard for me. I’ve buried my pain for years and it’s very hard to recognize when I am doing that again or if I am acknowledging the feeling, letting it pass then dealing w/ the new, present one the trigger has brought up. It’s a learning process that I hope to get better at, because the stuffing isn’t working any more than wallowing would.

Cheating and Reality TV

Yeah, people like to call it ‘reality tv’ but the fact is it’s scripted. There is more room for ad-libbing than in a totally scripted show, but when it comes down to it, it follows a script and a pattern. So does an affair.

There are sometimes stand-ins for the participants when things don’t look quite right and have to be re-filmed. At those times, it’s usually a close up of part of a person, like hands. Or a far away crane shot. An affair is much like this, where the affair partners either just look at bits and pieces or look at it from such a distance they can’t see the details that truly make a person recognizable for who they are.

While these shows are going on, it becomes the participants reality. They go through character changes that sometimes make them unrecognizable to their loves ones watching from the outside. They often change their morality to fit the situation, using whatever justification they can come up with. This is just like the funhouse mirror you see when looking at an active wayward spouse.

There’s usually the promise of a prize that is worth all the debasement, conniving and acting they have to do. It is rare that a person gets it, and rarer still that they are happy w/ the reality of the fame and issues that come along w/ the prize. Just like cheaters.


What does it feel like?

If you’ve never been betrayed, count yourself lucky. But those unfortunates that have experienced it and other misfortunes such as molestation, abuse and rape..betrayal has been named as the worst, most damaging of these.

I know that I preferred physical abuse to the emotional abuse of my husband having an affair. Affairs actually.

The discovery is like the worst hit in the gut you ever receive. Your heart shrivels and yet seems too big for your chest, swelled with pain. Your mind reels. Your innocence is shattered and you long to tear your beating heart from your chest. Surely that would be less painful than what you are feeling now.

I wanted the feel of a hot knife cutting into me to relieve the pain. I wanted razors at my wrists to explode the burning blood from my body. I wished my tears were poison burning me inside and out. I died a thousand different deaths and cursed myself for being too scared to actually make them reality.

Someone you loved, who you thought loved you, has violated your vows and in doing so has violated you. You feel emotionally raped. Depending on the specifics of the affair that coincide with your marriage, you may feel physically violated too.

In the aftermath, I would try to sleep, only to be haunted by snippets of dreams, all about betrayal. Only to wake up every half hour or so, looking into the blackness of night and realizing that I was living my nightmare.

A betrayed spouse often cannot stomach food. I was no exception. In the first month after my discovery, I lost twenty-five pounds. In total over the next three and a half months, I lost all the weight I had gained with two babies and nearly a decade of depression. Nearly 65 pounds later, I was back to pre-baby weight. Indeed pre-affair weight. Yes, this has happened more than once.

Why am I still with him you ask? I ask myself the same questions. At the core of it, our children. Even they would not be enough though had I not seen him change before and have hope that his change now is permanent.

The affair may be over, but the pain is still here. I may be too, but I know- stay or leave, my heart is still broken.