Stalled

I’m stalled writing here. I find that even as the years pass, the pain is fresh. This was intended to be my catharsis. To help me give words where I have felt silenced.  Each post is like ripping stitches out of a barely healed wound.

Mr. JJ has been loving, remorseful, honest and transparent.  What he hasn’t been is proactive.  I tell him nobody had to instruct him on how to accomplish all the lies and subterfuge it took to conduct an affair.  That I have told him my needs, if he’s forgotten them or partially met them, he also needs to do what I did- seek help for moving forward.

His new favorite song is Lead Me by Sanctus Real and it makes me cry.  Part of the lyrics are show me I’m the love of your life…that you’re willing to fight.  After two full-on affairs and a couple of flirtation-type infidelities, how do I even begin to feel like the love of his life?  I don’t see him willing to fight.  It’s this limbo that tortures me.  Just good enough yet bad enough.  To tear my kids from an intact family when things have gotten so much better feels selfish; like it’s only because I want more rather than need more.  We talked about the song this morning and Mr. Jem claims he’s ready to fight.  We’ll see, I’m not pinning much hope on it at this time.

I know so many would have been gone before now.  As I am learning in my Lifeskills class, I stayed because I was taught I deserved no better.  The abuses, neglect and abandonment of my past brought me to accepting crumbs.  Now I have kids though and how do I tear their family apart when I have a good marriage after all this just because I want a great marriage?

I get little bits of encouragement that makes it harder to let go and yet when those seeds fail to bear full fruit, it makes it harder to hold on.  The most recent one was this weekend.  Mr. Jem was searching his email for a registration confirmation.  In the process, he found an email he had written in 2006 to me during the affair.  Usually his theory is don’t dredge up the past.  He read the email anyhow.  When I came downstairs, he told me about it.  That it was a cruel and hateful email and he was sorry.  He didn’t realize that he had truly been that mean.  I have yet to get a straight answer from him about what he thought when I referenced his attitude during that time, but my guess is he thought I was rewriting history to make him the villain as I sometimes do to Harlot.

I will try to keep this blog updated and finish my story.  I hope to share my walk through recovery and what I have learned.  I know so many of you that come here are searching for just that.  Each of our walks has it’s own path and I will share mine, hoping to shed some light on yours.  Meanwhile, please visit some of the resources I share here.