Not my fault

I was reading an affair recovery book today. The author said something along the lines that betrayed spouses have to take an account of what they did to make the marriage an environment that an affair could happen in. Like so many of us involved in affair recovery be stressed that the choice to have an affair was solely in the lap of the wayward spouse.

This began the wheels of my mind, circling over and over. I have read time and again the affair is 100% the choice of the unfaithful but the problems in the marriage are 50/50. Some people, like this author I was reading make it sound as though the betrayed could have taken preventative measures though.

The fact is a spouse that is broken enough to cheat will cheat. I have seen many betrayed spouses reporting that their marriage history was re-written and they were villianized (certainly true in my case). Then there are the other spouses that claim, “You were too perfect. I felt I didn’t deserve you.”

To me this is a prime example of how a person that is going to cheat will cheat no matter what. Will justify mo matter what. I need to know that because for years I tried to fix our marriage only to be ignored until one foot was out the door. I tried. You can only get so far alone.

What percentage is it when the betrayed had actually tried? Does it even matter? Because many times it would have happened no matter what. Whether you were ‘too good’ or ‘always unloving.’ Anything could mean an affair to a spouse willing to ignore their vows.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. melove54
    May 24, 2009 @ 22:20:29

    The burden of infidelity lies upon the infidel 100%. If a marriage or serious interpersonal relationship is so horrid, then presence of mind and/or conscience should have dictated one of two things. 1) to mutually agree to work on the relationship(couples counseling, individual counseling,etc) or 2) dissolve the relationship before infidelity occurs.

    It is one thing to be hurtful towards one another and being unable to create a healthy marital relationship/interpersonal relationship. However, to create additional pain and anguish through infidelity, can lead to future emotionally unhealthy relationships, (high level cynicism, last of trust, lack of self-esteem, etc.)

    Some tend to believe our primal instincts are more powerful than our ability to cogitively reason and rationalize that such an act is temporary gratification. “A moment of pleasure, a lifetime of grief.” I don’t buy the shared blame of infidelity and I never will. Whoever wrote the prose you read was probably a cheater themselves or has never felt the pain of being cheated upon! You can be the worst mate ever, no one deserves to be the vicitm of infidelity. There are much more viable and mutually beneficial choices, other than cheating.


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