just…

I have no support system now really.  I usually like an online support system so people don’t feel obligated to respond.  I still felt alone there so I had someone else change my password so I could break the addiction.

I was in a nice little plateau.  Now I feel like I have fallen off the edge.  I hate, I obsess, I want to be HEARD.  We did a Bible study and one of the verses said to approach someone that had wronged you and give them a chance to change.  I feel justified in doing so but I know the people that hurt me the most would never do so, would never even care about my pain.  I would contact with expectations, no matter what I told myself.

There could be no words that would equalize what has been done to me.

My own husband is still trying to prove to me his love and two years later even though he is a changed man and I agreed to a covenant marriage, I am not in love like I used to be, even when he was mistreating me.  To me, he is a bomb waiting to go off and cast shrapnel into my heart.

I don’t know how to leave a man that is loving.  It was all I could do to leave a man who had abused me in so many ways.  How do I tear apart my family when there is such change?

How do I stay with the pain?  Muted to the others that hurt me?  Helpless to be heard.

MrJJ says that when he gets home tomorrow he will begin showing me how he will fight for this marriage, how he will care for me even if I don’t care for him.

I’m afraid it might be too late.  A part of me has died in the past few years.  Slowly died.

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