babies. if…then…but…

I find myself in tears again. Someone on my support board posted a/b the birth of her baby. I guess I wouldn’t have been hit so hard, but it was a homebirth (this is a mainstream board, not my usual crunchy mamas boards). And the picture…well, you guys know that newborn look.

After Sweet Daughter I had felt like there was someone missing from our family. MrJJ and I agreed to possibly adopt a third. Though I do like being pregnant and even birth.

If you look back in my blog (though it might be set to diary), you’ll see that just over 2yrs ago I was possibly pregnant. There was a faint positive. Then, about a week later, I had a miscarriage. It was early, maybe 7-8 weeks. I went through it all almost on my own. I didn’t even tell MrJJ until after b/c of how he was treating me at the time. I didn’t know it, but he was in the affair.

I know now that after I finally turned to him for support, Harlot told him she was pregnant. She didn’t tell him when he picked her up for work in the morning, when he drove her home and they spent time at her mom’s apartment. Instead, she waited until he left and was on his way home. Then, a week later she got an abortion.

We also know now that it was possibly a lie. To me, the timing is just cruel. Also, she told him she was diagnosed as infertile, they had unprotected sex twice, her periods were irregular and yet she knew to test when she was barely late- though she was used to being late. The abortion was the Saturday after Thanksgiving, she was trying to talk him into antiquing that day. Went to dinner with a friend and somehow fit the abortion in. Was sexually active less than two weeks later and on birth control. I know I blogged this all before, I guess this is my way of working it out.

I commented to MrJJ the other day that had things been different, he might have had three or four kids at this point.

There came a point when I was mourning my lost baby and her thrown away baby that MrJJ tried to talk me into a third. I just can’t risk it. I feel like I am taking enough of a risk staying, no matter what leaf he has turned over.

So I look at the pictures like the one today, I see the tender skin, the fingers curled, lips pouting, soft hair waiting to be touched…tiny arch of a nose…

And I cry. Never again. Not for me. I lost my chance. My spirit baby has to fly to another mommy. I try to tell myself my family is perfect, we are balanced. If that’s true, then why do I feel like someone is missing in times like these? Is it just biological drive? If so, that’s just so odd because it’s not every baby that sets me off. There was a newborn in my Bible study group and I had none of these stirrings.

I feel lost and confused and maybe a bit angry that my choices are now affected by the bad choices others made in my stead two years ago.


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