Time to re-Focus

forewarning- I didn’t bother to be PC in this post.

First, let’s get this straight.  I am Christian.  I belong to a conservative church.  Am I conservative?  Yes and no.  According to conservatives- more no than yes I am guessing.

I was listening to a radio program (which will remain ‘nameless’) today and the hosts were going on and on about voting about gay marriage.  Marriage should be between a man and a woman you see.

Biblical principles aside, as I have yet to see a completely convincing argument, homosexual marriage is hardly the death knell to the traditional family.  Infidelity and its growing acceptance in society (refer to sites such as Ashley Madison) is far more dangerous than the less than 10% (just throwing a number out here) of the population that happens to be queer and also want to get married.

When current estimates put infidelity rates somewhere between 50 and 85%, I believe that reveals a much larger risk to the traditional family.  Infidelity leaves a footprint on the family that is not easily washed away.  Even many experts do not understand the psychology of an affair- and recovery from affairs.  Infidelity carries it’s damage into the next generation.  I would say that most people on the support forums I have visited were children in a house that was affected by infidelity.  How it plays out usually depends on the gender of the wayward parent and the gender of the child.  I wish I could remember the study I once saw quoted, but I am pretty sure a daughter of a betrayed wife is more likely to also be a betrayed wife.  Also, the son of a cheating father is more likely to cheat.  In my case, P.’s father was a serial adulterer.  I recently learned that his mother likely also cheated, if not on P’s father then on the fiance she had after the divorce.  My mother cheated often.  The three times I know about include the final other man, one of my dad’s friends and one of my mom’s friends…yes, a female.

The legacy can be crippling.  There are also real life “Fatal Attraction” scenarios, some to differing degrees.  If you are tempted to cheat, even if you are not the spouse be aware of the high emotions that run through a betrayed spouse after discovery.  Though I am more prone to self harm, at one point I had a vivid vision of confronting the other woman and stabbing her with a screwdriver.  It scared me, but what about the spouses that it motivates?

In geometry a triangle is the strongest shape.  In love, it usually means at least one person is unbalanced.  You are taking a risk when you create that unbalance.  The papers are littered with any person involved in an affair- the other person, the wayward and the betrayed, snapping and committing a crime.

This brings me back to my point.  If we want to protect the family institution, we should legislate the breaking of a marriage contract.  Infidelity increases the occurrences of STDs (after all, your ‘soul mate’ can’t possibly be ‘unclean’ so why use protection?), children born outside of the marriage, emotional abuse (by its very nature affairs are emotional abuse) and divorce.  When we signed our marriage license, we signed a contract and it should be treated as such.

So please, let’s not focus on the fags.  Leave them alone if you want to preserve the image of family.  Go after the infidels…the cheaters.  Those that help a spouse break their vows.  The companies like AM and the ‘alibi’ company that promote it.  This is a much more insidious issue.  It affects Christian couples as much as anyone else.  There is definite harm…and definite strictures against it in the Bible.

My guess is this is such a shameful topic that nobody wants to touch it.  That and politicians, not known for their fidelity, don’t feel the burning desire to pass such brave legislation.

Though, keeping on the course a wayward is on, one is bound to feel something burning eventually.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. tvpoet
    Nov 02, 2008 @ 13:23:18

    Excellent post! I could comment on so many specific points you’ve made.

    Here’s one: “The son of a cheating father is more likely to cheat.” I agree. When I was 16 or 17 (the age of my oldest daughter), my own father was caught having an affair. So I’ve asked myself a thousand times, did my cheating as an adult have anything to do with that? One could argue that there is a direct or indirect link, but how? I hated my father for what he did. I vowed at the time I would “never be like him.” Yet almost thirty years later, I made the same mistake. I’ve tried to analyze this. Do I hold marriage in low regard? Did the fact that my mother stayed with him despite multiple affairs (I’ve only had one, and it’s the last one!) cause me to assume that I, too, would be given a second chance? And finally, will my daughters marry a future-cheater, as studies suggest they might? God, I hope not! But time will tell.

    “Be aware of the high emotions that run through a betrayed spouse after discovery.” Even if someone had sat me down and explained this to me before my affair, I couldn’t have grasped the full weight of this statement. I have been beaten down verbally by my wife so many times, I swear, the past year has aged me. Seriously aged me. Yes, I deserve it, but when will it ever stop?

    “Infidelity and its growing acceptance in society.” Take movies and TV shows, for example. They are rife with adultery themes. I always knew this was true before I had an affair. But now, I notice it more. In fact, one of my worst fears while watching a rental DVD with my wife, hoping that we can “escape” the pain for just a little while, is that an adultery reference will be made unexpectedly, which instantly ruins our good vibes. And sure enough, it happens over and over. It’s to the point where I ask myself, can’t they make a movie without an adultery theme? And don’t even get me started on Ashley Madison.

    “We should legislate the breaking of a marriage contract.” What exactly do you suggest?


  2. EAD
    Dec 06, 2008 @ 07:42:48

    This is what many people fail to grasp. What makes gay marriage more of a danger than infidelity? My parents were married until my dad died (for 30 years, I think), and I think in all that time, he never cheated. Maybe because his own dad never cheated? Not sure. My mom never cheated either, there again, neither of her parents ever did.

    You’ve brought up an angle on infidelity I never thought of before. There’s always talk about nature vs. nurture, but it’s more a blend of the two in many cases. Maybe it’s the same with infidelity. Certainly “nurture” has some bearing on whether people grow up to be abusive to children or their spouses. And while you’ll find references to adultery in movies more than not, isn’t it the responsibility of parents to explain to their kids the reality? And shouldn’t adults know better than to think affairs are always so worth the risk of losing the trust of someone you love? Maybe it’s also to do with the lack of parenting – real parenting.

    And yeah, why should this be a shameful topic? I think sex must rank as a less shameful topic in comparison. Weird.


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