you see, I’m scared

And per usual, it’s stupid.

I had a really hard day last week. I’m talking really hard. I was crumpled in a ball and forced myself to crawl and call for help. I called MrJJ. Anyone else, I would be embarrassed to be seen (heard) as weak as I was. I couldn’t even get words out my friends. I felt like I have been being strong on my own for far too long. Childhood issues, marriage issues and now the past two years…my husband gone 12mos of that off and on. I’m constantly feeling like I’m breaking.

He sends me flowers. For the first time ever, sends just to lift me up. He’ll occasionally buy a bunch of flowers on the way home, but this was a first. A small mix of blooms in a teacup, with a teddy bear and a note that read: ‘These flowers represent the beauty that is you. I hope you are having a good day. Your loving husband, MrJJ.’

I had to fight Sweet Daughter for the teddy bear. Sorry, I need something tangible sometimes.

Then a couple of days ago I get an e-card, w/ the note:

“You’re the only thing that matters in my little world other than Silly Son and Sweet Daughter. How much easier life becomes once the veil has been lifted and you see whats really important. Thinking of you with Love MrJJ

God knows how much I love you and long for you with the tender compassion of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:8”

It scared me at first. After all the years struggling in our marriage, I have this. What if I lose it? What if it’s not real? How much more will that hurt?

I have been working my way towards a big step. MrJJ still thinks I have the smallest of a clue. I know he wants us to renew our vows when/if the family gets to Jordan to visit him. I know he wants to do it on Mt. Nebo, a place he feels a spiritual connection to.

I found my wedding dress and he mentioned I should bring it. Not a big deal, it’s a white cotton dress a friend gave me. Still fits believe it or not.

I never had that wedding most women dream of. I had a Justice of the Peace wedding when we were 20yo. I could go into the story, but lets say it involves rain, pissy in-laws, a guy in cuffs and no viable pictures.

I am practical. Too practical most times. It can take the fun out of life. I am trying to get past that.

So. Today I bought a wedding dress.

I did get it in ivory. But, just for one day, I will be the fantasy. I will be my own princess and pray that this man has truly become the prince he always promised to be.

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