what is wrong with me?

MrJJ is coming home on Saturday.  Exactly 3mos away, he’ll finally be home.  We’ve talked (Skyped) every day but one or two.

Yesterday we got into a heavy discussion because I was stressed about finances.  I sent him a note that the replacement ring we had picked out before the affair (my diamond had fallen out) could have been purchased twice over with the money he spent in the few months he was involved with Harlot.  Even more if you count all the residual costs for things like counseling and my ER visit.  Or the fence we want, the deck he dreams of, so much more could have been done and yet we are still struggling, still paying financially and emotionally because he decided to forget reality for a few months.

MrJJ says, has always said, “Don’t worry.”  The problem is, he has not been the type of guy to take care of things.  This most recent trip has made it glaringly obvious as we should be ahead and instead have been footing the bill for his company which we may or may not be reimbursed.  I’ll pitch a bloody fit if we end up owing money.

So, since the connection was lousy yesterday, we had an up and down Skype IM (that and the computer overheating/crashing is what he’s referring to about being thwarted).  It seems to be a pattern for me to get mean and start pushing him away in the weeks before he comes home.  I have been nasty and I wonder, what’s my problem?  I can’t seem to stop hitting below the belt.  I said things I can’t repeat here.  And here is how he responds.  For contrast, see some of my entries from Fall ’06 to early ’07.

MrJJ says: Yet being away from you has been torture for me.  I lived a lie.  Everything I’m telling you now is like a release from my soul.  Satan really doesn’t want me to tell you this.  He wants to keep us apart.  He wants to see you hurt.  He wants me to continue wandering . He doesn’t want us to be who we really are.  He doesn’t want us to love one another and he has kept us from loving one another.  I have lived a lie my entire life. I wont do so any longer.  You will feel the weight of who am I am. I am not the man I once was.  I love you Jem and I am sorry for all the wrong I caused you. All the pain and suffering I brought upon you.  You are the woman I love, but I understand if your path is taking you some where else.  I understand that you are hurt and I understand that you don’t trust me.

Then, when his connection went down for good, this is what he emailed me the next morning in response to my good night email:

I slept well because all I could think about was you.  I guess Satan didn’t want us to finish our conversation.  I read somewhere that marriage is a stunning picture of what God offers people and his scripture tells us it is a living metaphor, a walking parable, a Rembrandt or Monet painting of the Gospel.  Satan knows this and he hates it.  He wants to divide and conquer.  So he assaults you, puts thoughts, ideas in your head, little voices, feelings of anger etc,  (2 Corinthians 2:11)
Like the part you told me about  in the Screwtape Letters where the devil instructs his apprentice to keep the patient in ignorance of their existence and to conceal himself.  1 Peter 5:8-9 every time you get closer to God or think you’re getting closer you come under attack, We have to hang on honey A Mon Fil  Proverbs 4:23

I love you and Ill talk with you later.  cant wait to see you

And what do I do?  I get pissy with him again.  Turned it all into conflict when the truth is, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and reading that helped me sleep another couple of hours.

Do you know that the discussion about the Screwtape Letters happened in December of ’06?  I was reading it and he was so derisive of the things I shared with him.  Of course, it turns out he was still in the affair.  So over all, I am amazed he remembers at all.

Why do I keep attacking him?  Am I waiting for the MrJJ I know to respond?  This man used to shove me around early in our marriage.  He stopped being physically rough and began belittling me, then the affairs. Interspersed some really good times and some times when I did not seem to exist to him.

I keep expecting that guy to come back.  He hasn’t.  I spew vile at him and he says, “I am angry, I am hurt, but I still love you, that overrides it all.”

Why can’t I feel safety and comfort?

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