2+2+2= too much!

We have two children.  Once upon a time I wanted five and MrJJ wanted two.  Then I started working daycare and teaching.  I wanted one, maybe two.  MrJJ wanted five.

When we agreed to start a family, we agreed two.  It didn’t matter, two boys, two girls, twins to begin with…we would stop at two.  We did agree that if time passed and it felt like someone was missing from our family we would adopt a third (we had always planned on a vasectomy).  While I love pregnancy and birth, adoption has always been a dream of mine too.

MrJJ has been against it.  Even when I told him it felt like someone was missing.  I was thinking of another child much sooner after Sweet Daughter then I had with Silly Son.

Before everything came to light in ’06, I had gotten pregnant.  I had been doing some half-assed charting, we cut it close.  I lived with it alone, asking a couple of friends for info on charting and could I be wrong.  The week after a faint positive on the test, Aunt Flo came.  This was different than usual.  I mourned the lost baby and the marriage I knew I was losing too.

I finally shared it with MrJJ.  I had kept it to myself.  I was sure we were headed for a divorce.  I didn’t want him accusing me of getting pregnant on purpose in order to trap him, after all, what guy leaves a pregnant wife?  I figured that I would leave after December.  This was early through mid November (I blogged about it here).  I began to make plans.  Even posted about it on my local mom forum.  I just knew I would have to figure out how to be a single, pregnant attachment parenting mama to two (soon to be three).  If this marriage survived, I wanted it to do so because we wanted it, not because MrJJ felt obligated.  So, when I had the early miscarriage, I finally told MrJJ.  He was upset, said that I could have told him, he would have been there.  I knew better.  But around then, his attitude began to change and he became more loving.

That all fell apart the day I read his emails in his secret email account.  December 3, 2006.

At some point after he took his head out of his ass, we talked about this.  Because around the same time, Harlot told MrJJ. she was pregnant.  We’ve gone the rounds on the veracity of this.  Suffice it to say that I have a hard time believing that a woman that claims to be diagnosed as infertile could get pregnant w/in two times of unprotected sex.  That she refused to provide proof or take another test so MrJJ could see for himself. That she could be planning an outing and trying to talk MrJJ into skipping out on the family to go antiquing yet within hours have gone in and had a walk-in abortion on Thanksgiving weekend.  That she could resume sexual activity within two to three weeks and already be certain that her ‘new’ birth control had kicked in.

The whole timing of this, the uncertainty, it all is something I push away but keep coming back to.  There are no answers and it will likely always be painful to me.  The baby I lost will forever be my baby to me.  MrJJ says he mourns it too.  But he has no right.  It’s my baby.  MrJJ also says that he believes now that Harlot was lying about the whole thing.  Going over the dates just now, I realized that she told him of the pregnancy right after I told him of the miscarriage.  I have to wait to find out for sure, but maybe this is another case of the bitch copying me in a sick way.

The first instance, I had blogged about a mix CD my friend had made to lift me up.  MrJJ had already linked her to that blog.  Gee, thanks…it’s public and all, but still, bring an enemy to my gates why don’t you?  Turns out, shortly after that, Harlot made one for MrJJ  Remember the incident where it became obvious she found my MS page?  I had listed books I loved reading.  She has one of the series on her match.com profile.  It’s a fictional detective/sci-fi/literary/comedy type series.  According to MrJJ she usually only reads non-fiction.  Once I started making all my blogs either ‘friends only’ or ‘preferred readers’ and my pictures ‘friends only’, Harlot’s 60+yr ‘mom’ got a MS account.  I’m guessing b/c she was getting messages:  You must be logged in to do that!  I’ve deleted my tracker and am doing my best to stop keeping tabs on how she’s keeping tabs on me.  Bitch.  Wreck havoc in my life then try to imitate it.

It’s looking like she was doing the pregnancy scare thing to be sure MrJJ was really into her.  When he didn’t start talking happy family, she said she didn’t want to be a single mom.  He told her thousands of women did it every day.  Funny thing that.  She didn’t want to be a single mom to a likely imaginary child, yet she did her best to try and push me to be one to two very real children.  I don’t believe I ever posted the email she sent me, but I did post the one she sent MrJJ when he officially sent her a no contact letter.  Both were very bitchy and aimed at my insecurities.  They also were pushing me to be ‘brave’ and divorce because this is a failed marriage anyhow.  The one she sent to me all but outright said MrJJ would cheat on me if I didn’t let him go but would be faithful to her.

And that brings me to what prompted this long purging of emotions.  Though this particular issue I find I need to revisit over and over in small bites.  It’s too much to take in all at once.

At some point during this recovery process I mentioned to MrJJ that I had wanted a third child, he never did and I lost my one chance when I lost the baby.  He said then and a few other times that maybe we should have another baby.  He loves me and wants to prove he’s changed and that’s one way to do it.

Then last night he started talking about two more.  When he first mentioned a third I told him I refused.  That if I ever become a single mom that two would be enough.  That I am never going to feel safe enough to have another now.  I didn’t have the heart to say it again like that last night, but that’s the crux of it for me.

Yes, I still feel like there’s someone missing in our family.  The healthier I get, the more I feel like maybe I can handle more kids.  I have always tried as a mother and now I feel that I am closer than ever to being the kind of mother I can be proud of.  Fewer and fewer instances of yelling and losing my temper.  More balance, more organized, more focused on the important things.

I can’t ever imagine feeling safe enough again though.

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