Changes, Reflections and Growth

This is a reflection of the changes I have seen in the past year, I posted the “I’m angry” blog in Jan ’07 w/ this list of things:

I’m angry that for the beginning part of our marriage (well, pretty much all of it until Silly Son was born) that I worked and went to school full time and supported us with the exception of financial aid as the only income.  Now he is whining about supporting us for 6yrs on a professional’s salary.

MrJJ now has no problem with it, has stopped pushing me to go back to work and believes that staying at home with the kids is the best thing for our whole family.  He actually encouraged me to sign up to teach another year with the Children’s Ministries at CBS (check it out- international, non-denominational study of the books of the Bible).  He said it’s done so much good for me.

I’m angry I put up with him yanking and grabbing and pushing me until ’97, thinking, “It’s not real abuse.”

He has admitted it was what it was and apologized.  Nothing can make up for it, but acknowledging the wrong helps.  Along with MrJJ knowing that this is one of two dealbreakers in our marriage and will result in an instant trip to the lawyers for me.

I’m angry that he started in on me verbally when the physical stuff stopped, telling me constantly that things would be so much nicer if I wasn’t such a bitch.

MrJJ says that he was stupid to not appreciate the woman I am.  That I am the lady of yore that men would go to battle for.  That I am the Proverbs 31 woman.  I told him to stop idealizing me, I am somewhere between what he thought me and that.  I will not even try to live up to his starry-eyed attitude.  I would fail.  I am who I am.  I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother…

I’m angry for believing him that things would get better when we didn’t have money and now that we do, he just spends more instead of making things better.

After a year of slowly changing his attitude about money, he is beginning to see how it really has controlled him.  He’s gone for three months, we looking forward to the extra money, getting caught up and all that.  Now though, he misses me and the kids too much.  He doesn’t want to do this ever again, for any amount of money.  Maybe now he’ll budget with me.  That and how high gas and everything else is going.

I’m angry I let him blame lingering resentment on my kicking him out in ’97 as an excuse for his emotional affair in ’99.

We have both finally communicated everything about that.  I still feel lingering resentment as he punished me for what he thought I did by justifying two affairs.  Oh, and now I know it wasn’t an emotional affair, but a “friends with benefits” type thing.  I still want to puke thinking of it.  There is much to recover from.

I’m angry he did the bare minimum as a parent these past 6yrs, citing me as the ‘expert’ and him too tired from work to ‘deal’.  Now he wants to take the kids as though he’s had more than 8% of the involvement in their upbringing.

This is one of the most amazing things.  While MrJJ still tends to turn to me as the ‘expert’ he is much more involved.  He leaves work on time for every soccer practice.  Not just games, but he is actually at every practice.  He became Silly Son’s Tiger Cub leader this year.  Yup, planning skits and activities for a group of 6-7 year old boys!  His focus has totally changed so that the kids are crying for him while he’s gone.  It’s a good thing.  In contrast, when he went to Iraq, it wasn’t even a blip on their radar.  They didn’t even really notice he was gone.

He is also willing to sign a post-nup (see the finances comment though) that if either of us commits infidelity, the other gets uncontested custody.  I will not be the stay-at-home mom panicking about having the money to fight for my kids.

I’m angry over him talking about all the “nice stuff” we have and how it’s not taken care of.  When there is so much stuff and only one person cleaning it and I tell him I am overwhelmed.

MrJJ has relaxed so much about everything since he got back from Iraq.  “We have kids,” he says, “It’s gonna get messy.”  He is pitching in more.  And since the start of taking Crown Financial classes, he has realized this isn’t his, he can’t take it with him and it was a gift that can be taken away at any time.

I’m angry that instead of helping me through my depression he called the insurance company once, made me call the potential doctors and now claims he has done so much to help me through my depression that he can’t take it anymore.

I’ve dropped the ball on discussing that.  I’m pretty sure his perception has changed, he’s expressed remorse over issues tangent to that.  Before he left he was arranging his work schedule so he could be with the kids during my therapy sessions.  Also, my new therapist, Melissa, is not covered by our insurance.  So he’s re-arranging our finances so we can pay out of pocket twice a month.  When I tried to back out, he insisted, saying it was important.  And I think it is, I’ll have to blog about my sessions later.

I’m angry he thinks he can tell me who to go to for help (a REAL therapist rather than my pastor- even if he has a secular license) and whether or not I need meds.

MrJJ has learned I know what I need to heal and that the kids are important enough to me that I won’t leave anything to chance.  See note above about picking a therapist that the insurance doesn’t pay for.  She’s a secularly licensed (oh, I hate MS doesn’t spell check) therapist, but belongs to a Christian practice.  So I get more balance.

I’m angry he used my depression as an excuse to see another woman.

MrJJ now sees that as a weak line of B.S.  It still hurts though.  Especially when I remember the strides I was making before he started the adultery (I hate the word affair, though I use it).  He has examined why he did it though, and no longer puts the blame on me, but right where it should be- on himself.

I’m angry that he spends money rather than saving it for bills and we are sitting here in a 56 degree on the inside house just because he couldn’t be bothered to sign and send in the propane contract.

Yeah, still need to work on that, but hopefully the realizations he’s made this trip will help with that.

I’m angry he wants me to get a job so he can keep spending; I feel as though he wants to sacrifice our kids on the alter of materialism.

See comments further above.  His priorities made a big shift and are still shifting.

I’m angry I had to use my savings from selling the carriers I made to pay for Sweet Daughter’s dental operation and it turns out we might have had the money had he not taken his whore to a $150 a night hotel.

Yeah, that one will still irk me, along with other awful truths I learned.  These are the hardest things, the ones where he harmed the kids with his selfish behavior.  For what?  A woman he couldn’t stand before one talk, one that pushed herself on him as a way out of her marriage, one that struck out at me, trying to hurt me, when he officially sent the no contact letter.  A bitch of the first order, who said if the kids had been harmed through all of this, it was my fault.

I’m mostly angry at myself that I still love him even after seeing all these things in black and white and knowing there’s more I haven’t thought of.

Now I am mostly confused.  I love, I hate, I resent, I try to let go and forgive.  I analyze, I try to figure out what the right answer is.  What will be best for me, for the kids…and all I can come up with is as long as these changes are permanent, I’ll stay.  I always have the option of walking out later.

Going to post this now, I’ll spell check later.  Thank you guys for standing by my through all this and giving me support, encouragement and things to think about.

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