That Moment the World Drops from Under your Feet

That moment can come back to you even years later. I had to come back to this posting more than once to get it all out.

One summer morning I sat in our closet, I couldn’t find anything to wear because I felt unattractive, unloved and unlovable. I tearfully told MrJJ I did not want to go out with Sorry that morning. I just wanted to stay home. Him. Me. Talking. Having sex. Just being together. MrJJ insisted the plans had already been made, we couldn’t stand her up.

I sat next to MrJJ waiting for our order at Denny’s. We normally sat across from each other so we could look at each other. But Sorry was across from us. I could swear I felt her try to reach out to touch his foot with hers. There was something I couldn’t put my finger on. The looks they gave each other, it was as if I wasn’t there.

As usual, Denny’s was taking forever. I suddenly couldn’t take it anymore. I was still in denial. My mind was retreating. So my body did too. I got up and fled from the truth. I ran to the fast food joint next door. I saw MrJJ looking for me, so I tried to run in there. Closed for renovation. I ran to a nearby hotel, tried to hide in there. I waited. I came out. MrJJ was waiting in the parking lot, Sorry in the car. I tried to run across the field, tried to get anywhere. MrJJ caught me. He held me in his arms. He kissed me and cradled me and told me that yes, he loved me. Yes, we would work on our marriage. I nestled in his arms and looked past him. Sorry was standing with her arms crossed. A scowl on her face. Even then, the truth, the words would not form in my head. It was all her I thought. MrJJ wouldn’t go there. Not and still hold me like this.

We drove home. MrJJ dropped me off first and was supposed to drop Sorry off. I waited. And waited. Those words still were banned from my mind. I did gather all the pills in the apartment. I sat in my car. I contemplated how to do it. A country road I thought. MrJJ and I always talked about going down a long country road. It was a joke and a promise. We had done it one starlit night. Well, today it would be a different country road for a different purpose. I got in my car with the pills, cloth to stuff in the tailpipe and a drink. I drove down the road, heading away from town. Vaguely I remembered two girls had been found killed somewhere near this area. I wondered if I would be drawn to that place. As I drove past the community college, my mind clicked in. The unthinkable wasn’t happening to me. I had to take a chance I was mistaken. I could do it later if it wasn’t true. I turned around in the parking lot of the community college and headed home.

Soon after, MrJJ came home. He sat on the couch, his eyes sad. He told me, “We have to talk.” I remembered the last time he told me that. I thought it would be bad news but it turned out to be the best news- he loved me. Surely it would be the same this time. Nothing awful could happen after he held me like that earlier.

“I’m in love with someone else.”

I gulped. I denied still. “Who?” the word barely croaked out.

“Sorry”

The world fell.

I hit him, I pummeled him as much as I possibly could. I wanted to cause him pain like I was feeling. He just put his arms over his head and took it. There was no way my 5’3 frame could cause his 6’3 frame the pain that was destroying me at that moment.

At some point I stopped and just started sobbing.  I went to the bathroom, got the pills.  Got into my car where my drink was waiting.  MrJJ came out, saw me sitting there, dazed.

“What did you do?  WHAT DID YOU DO?”

I limply waved my hand to the empty bag, “Took some pills.”

“Which ones?”

“All of them.”

MrJJ called the ER.  They told him to give me syrup of ipecac and monitor me.  He rushed to the store and got some.  He stayed with me until I threw up for the first time.  Then he left.  I think for two days.  It’s all a blur.  He was gone.  I was alone.

I lay on the couch, dazed, out of it.  Some of the pills had had a chance to get into my system.  My body was heavy.  I kept drifting in and out of consciousness.  I got up to throw up.  I cursed the fact all my pills were gone.  I looked for his gun and couldn’t find it.  I went back to the bathroom.  I looked into the mirror, trying to determine if my pupils were dilating. What I saw freaked me out.  Someone else was looking back from behind my eyes.  There was me.  Then there was someone else.  Someone who felt wrong.

I  stumbled my way to the other end of our apartment building and walked into the open door of my neighbors and friends, B. and Olive  They were in the process of moving.  Brawn had a friend helping while Olive was at work.  He was clueless, didn’t get my slurred ramblings.  He called Olive and put me on the phone with her.  She talked to me then firmly said, “Put Brawn on the phone.”  I did.  I could hear her tell him what I had done and to take care of me.  Brawn sat me in the living room as they loaded the truck.  When the first load was ready, they loaded me in like another piece of furniture.  When the got to their new home, I was put on the floor of the living room like yet another box.  I just sat there.  They dragged me back and forth until Olive came home.  I don’t remember anything after that.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sandy
    Mar 28, 2008 @ 18:05:25

    I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced. What a shock to hear those words from the one you love and the one you thought loved you with all his heart. At least P had enough courage to tell you right to your face. My H didn’t. I had to find out on my own.

    I hope things are much better these days and you are hanging in there.

    Reply

  2. jemjester
    Mar 31, 2008 @ 14:10:32

    This all happened nearly 10yrs ago. I learned in the last year that he only told me to keep her from telling me everything. What was she going to tell me? It was more than emotional.

    In late ’06, P. had another affair. The recovery from that is what started this blog. I am trying to process everything.

    That affair, he denied for months every time I questioned him. I had to find the proof on my own and then some.

    I know this blog is going slowly, but I will share everything here. It’s just draining emotionally.

    Reply

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