Finally- I can Relax! Sort of.

I was in my first year of teaching. MrJJ initially was in basic law enforcement training but got a job as soon as we graduated. One day he came home with a dinner invite from one of his co-workers. I was thrilled. His instructor had given a speech at graduation on how important it was to make friends with fellow cops. After all, the job was stressful and only other cops knew what it was like.

We all hit it off right away. There was never an awkward pause. Soon, we began going out to dinner with them, they hung out at our place, we hung out at theirs. Yes, Jerk (the husband) and Sorry (the wife) were a lot of fun to be with. There were awkward moments though. Like one night we were watching a movie at their house. There was a new movie we hadn’t seen yet, but Jerk and Sorry insisted on watching “Wild Things”. When the threesome part came on, I felt uncomfortable with the look Jerk gave me. After the movie ended, Jerk talked about Sorry making out with a female co-worker while they thought he was asleep on the couch. She laughed and told him she knew he was awake, just like he had been awake for the lap dance she bought him…and she ended up making out with the stripper. Another time they invited us to go to Hedonism II with them. MrJJ said it wasn’t likely, we had other vacation destinations to save up for. It was after that he described the place and told me it made him uncomfortable. He thought maybe they wanted more of the friendship than we did. Jerk had told him some stories, guy talk. MrJJ didn’t want me involved with that.

For the first time in my life I had next to no worries. There were no money problems. I was in love with my husband more than ever- look what we had survived. Not every couple can stop abuse, even the ‘small’ abuse MrJJ dished out to me. My biggest stress was teaching and an extremely overbearing mentor. But that soon ended. It was summer and I was free. Except my classes of course. I had graduated w/ a BA in my field and needed a few more courses to get my teaching license.

But the fun continued. Except for Jerk and Sorry They were having problems. They had been married less than a year, in fact, they had just come back from a delayed honeymoon right before we started hanging out. Hedonism II. MrJJ knew of it, but the significance was lost on me. But now, less than two years into their entire relationship, Sorry was dissatisfied. I remember us hiding out in her closet while she told me she wasn’t sure if she loved Jerk She lost that ‘fairy tale feeling’ and missed it. I assured her it comes and goes. Hold on, it will come back. Marriage is full of hills and valleys. Why, look at MrJJ and myself. We just got over a deep valley. Now, I loved him more than ever before. Sorry just needed to share her feelings with Jerk. Communication was a must. She replied, “I just want what you have.” I sighed. She didn’t get it. What I was having now wouldn’t last forever. It comes and goes.

Soon after though, I noticed her giving MrJJ looks. She expected him to react to her the same way he reacted to me. She’d dress in clothes that showed her to advantage, then point it out. For instance, once after I confided in her that I was self conscious about my upper arms and so avoided sleeveless shirts and dresses, she wore a white tank top the next time we met. It showed off her tan skin to advantage. She also asked if she should follow Jerk’s request and put her crochet white sweater over it, as without her bra her nipples were almost visible.

As for MrJJ, he was pulling away from me.

We’d go out and I’d think MrJJ’s friendliness was too close to flirting. I’d get upset, Sorry would comfort and support me. Soon, MrJJ and I began fighting about all sorts of things. Sorry would support me, tell me I wasn’t blowing things out of proportion. One night, MrJJ decided to spend the night at Sorry and Jerk’s house. I wanted to beg him to stay but Sorry told me if I accepted his treatment of me, she’d tell him off herself.

One night she called us, freaking out that she heard a noise. Apparently the gun she had, the phone that could have called 911 instead of us, the Rottweiler…that wasn’t enough protection. She insisted my husband come to check it out. I came with, staying on the phone until we were out of range. MrJJ went into the house alone and came out after about 15 minutes. It was nothing.

During all of this, we would still go out, with one exception. We’d go while Jerk was on his shift. Sorry didn’t seem to mind being a third wheel. We played tennis together, Sorry pouting in the backseat of my car as the Bryan Adams song “Run to You” played on the radio. I thought she was crying over her marriage. I felt sorry for her and hoped we’d have fun. When it came time to play, I became disgruntled because Sorry kept mocking my tennis playing skills. I was there to have fun and it was not fun for me at all. At least she had her high spirits back though.

One ridiculous moment happened at Olive Garden.  MrJJ said something about how he liked the olives in the salad although he always picked the soup instead.  I was teasing him and said, “You can’t have mine, you want one, eat some salad.”  Sorry jumped in, “He can have mine!”  I kind of looked at her and said, “No, I’m his wife, if he wants an olive, he can have mine.”  She insisted and gave him her olive.  Weird and stupid I know, but that’s the kind of thing that even in the moment you think, “What’s going on here?”

One night we went to the local sandwich-brew joint, Sorry was pouting in the backseat the whole way. When we got home, MrJJ pulled out his telescope. He was showing Sorry the stars. I asked to see them too and he backed away. I tried to look but was too short. I moved away as he guided Sorry to the telescope. I sat on the curb, trying not to look at my husband standing behind my friend, looking at the stars together. I couldn’t even tell you how long it was, just that they didn’t notice when I went inside. I told myself it was nothing. Even if my friend had a crush on my husband, I could trust him.

Soon after that, MrJJ picked another fight. Again, he went to spend the night at Sorry and Jerk’s house. This time though, Jerk was at work. I sat at home crying. I finally decided to fight. I went to their house. I pounded on the door and insisted on seeing MrJJ right away. She led me to the upstairs guest room. I scanned the room, relieved to only see MrJJ cleaning his gear for the next day’s shift. I got on my knees, clinging to his. I begged him to come home and talk. He coldly refused. I reluctantly left, Sorry shutting the door firmly behind me.

I found another note to his high school teacher. She had long been a sore point for me. Always the “What If” woman. I held back though. I had been jealous for too long. I was taking a psych class and my project was to change my behavior for two weeks. I did it. I kept calm. I was proud of myself. I wanted to make myself better for our marriage. I wanted a husband that wanted to be with me. After all, less than two months ago we were in love like newlyweds, right? It could happen again. If I was just good enough. If I just held my temper.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Sandy
    Mar 28, 2008 @ 18:22:23

    You are good enough, don’t think of yourself as any less. When men get weak, during their weakest moments, they tend to use any excuse to dignify turning to another. I don’t know what happened that night but I hope that things ended on a good note.


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