wish i didn’t feel at all

It all feels like a lie.  I wanted to get it all out, I find myself at the turn of the story…the turn of my marriage and I can’t move forward.  In this blog or in real life.  I feel like it’s a lie- I’m betrayed but I’m not recovering.  It’s been nearly a year since the ‘official’ breakup and yet I feel just the same as I did nearly a year ago.  Nearly a year ago I was picking P. up from the airport after a stint overseas and I wasn’t sure if I was excited or not.  I find myself in the same place now.  I should be leaving for the airport yet…let’s give him time to get through customs I tell myself.

So, non-recovering fake that I am.  Writer of narrative prose when the truth is my heart is breaking and I feel like cutting the pain out…I will leave you with something I wrote on the pain of infidelity:

You feel as if you were dead but still living. Your entire being wants to follow that dead part of you to where ever it went but you are trapped in an awful purgatory that pulls and twists and tortures you.As though your heart has shriveled. Like those pictures of mummified bodies. And the pain of it trying to beat, the dried edges slice into your chest like a knife as it vainly tries to keep beating.

At the same time it’s as though your heart has swollen so much that there’s pressure inside of your chest, pushing, straining to explode.

Your stomach doesn’t exist anymore. Well, it does but it’s in your throat. So every time you think about eating it swells up and chokes you.

You’re standing there and suddenly the floor drops from underneath you. If it was a Road Runner cartoon, you’d be Wiley Coyote w/ that panicked look of recognition on your face. You know it’s just a matter of moments until gravity takes over and you are pulled to earth w/ a bone crushing thump. When it happens, it very nearly kills you b/c this is no cartoon.

And after d-day 2, so me I could feel the pain crawling through my body. It was a literal, physical pain that moved through my veins, swelling them and burning them. It was so bad that I began to think the only way to release the pressure was to cut myself, to let a pain I could handle replace the excruciating pain.

Your dreams are haunted. You sleep fitfully when you do and you are woken by horrible nightmares that the one you most trusted betrayed you. You wake in a panic and a sweat, usually minutes after you fell asleep, only to realize the nightmares are real. You fall asleep and the process begins again. It’s like ghosts are haunting you and taunting you in your sleep. Snippets of everything come back to you, torturing you for not seeing the truth sooner.

You may have loved your family of birth. You may have loved them even if you had been abused, neglected or emotionally torn apart by them. But the pain of this person, the person you chose to bring into your life, to let into your heart- the pain from that chosen one choosing to abuse your love in that way is so much worse. You question everything. Your judgment, your self worth, your right to live.

Your future is in question, but everyone knows that the future is never certain. Having your past be in question is so discombobulating. The world turns upside down. And it feels as though someone put a plastic bag over your head. You not only can’t breathe, but everything you look at is distorted.

And nobody can truly understand how it feels. Soon enough they will be saying, if only to themselves, “Just leave then” or “Get over it already.” And they will hopefully never know the pain of love, hate, mistrust, hope, despair swirling around in their bodies all at once.



4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. SIlanda
    Mar 18, 2008 @ 19:02:47

    Just wanted to let you know that someone is listening to you.


  2. jemjester
    Mar 19, 2008 @ 00:49:08

    Thank you. I knew when I started this blog it was bound to be a tiny voice in a large void. Thanks for the comment 🙂


  3. Anonymous
    Nov 08, 2008 @ 03:45:49

    I feel the same way. I am torn apart…


  4. ChangeinProgress
    Mar 11, 2009 @ 20:45:08

    I am where you are…still trying to recover…still hiding behind the smile…I hope you are okay, wherever you are now.


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