What does it feel like?

If you’ve never been betrayed, count yourself lucky. But those unfortunates that have experienced it and other misfortunes such as molestation, abuse and rape..betrayal has been named as the worst, most damaging of these.

I know that I preferred physical abuse to the emotional abuse of my husband having an affair. Affairs actually.

The discovery is like the worst hit in the gut you ever receive. Your heart shrivels and yet seems too big for your chest, swelled with pain. Your mind reels. Your innocence is shattered and you long to tear your beating heart from your chest. Surely that would be less painful than what you are feeling now.

I wanted the feel of a hot knife cutting into me to relieve the pain. I wanted razors at my wrists to explode the burning blood from my body. I wished my tears were poison burning me inside and out. I died a thousand different deaths and cursed myself for being too scared to actually make them reality.

Someone you loved, who you thought loved you, has violated your vows and in doing so has violated you. You feel emotionally raped. Depending on the specifics of the affair that coincide with your marriage, you may feel physically violated too.

In the aftermath, I would try to sleep, only to be haunted by snippets of dreams, all about betrayal. Only to wake up every half hour or so, looking into the blackness of night and realizing that I was living my nightmare.

A betrayed spouse often cannot stomach food. I was no exception. In the first month after my discovery, I lost twenty-five pounds. In total over the next three and a half months, I lost all the weight I had gained with two babies and nearly a decade of depression. Nearly 65 pounds later, I was back to pre-baby weight. Indeed pre-affair weight. Yes, this has happened more than once.

Why am I still with him you ask? I ask myself the same questions. At the core of it, our children. Even they would not be enough though had I not seen him change before and have hope that his change now is permanent.

The affair may be over, but the pain is still here. I may be too, but I know- stay or leave, my heart is still broken.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ChangeinProgress
    Mar 11, 2009 @ 22:04:34

    I understand all of this…way too well! I am also still with my husband, trying to live and deal with the aftermath of his affair and abandonment. I know it’s going to be painful reading the rest of your blog…but, here goes…

    Reply

    • jemjester
      Mar 12, 2009 @ 22:09:23

      There is so much more to my story. It still goes on, recovery is a long time coming. I hope that the links I have shared can help you on your path.

      Reply

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