Still Breathing

I wanted to share something profound, something I have learned from my trials and tribulations.  I can’t seem to gather myself together yet though.

I just completed “Intensive Outpatient Therapy”.  I had a sort of breakdown shortly after one of my last posts and IOP was assigned in lieu of admitting me to the hospital.  Anyhow, Tuesday was my last day.  I probably could have gone longer but childcare issues got to be too much.  Actually, MrJJ has been back since the 8th and watching the kids.  He arranged his schedule this week to watch them the two days I went.  But when he started talking going in to work at 1am to get some hours in before I had to go to IOP, I had to put a stop to it.

I’m working through my plan to make my life more complete and to reach out more.  A few steps at a time.  But I can’t isolate myself anymore.

I’ve learned some coping skills and insights into my emotions.  One of the things I learned on my last day was that part of what is going on with me plays very much into the role I had in my family of origin.  Apparently I was a ‘Scapegoat’, although my parents divorced and I eventually moved in with dad and stepmom, that role changed.  I still have issues and behaviors from that though.  It’s nice to know where to get help.  I am looking into support groups for Adult Children of Alcoholics like Al-Anon.

MrJJ has started listening more to me about my childhood instead of telling me to put it in the past.  I think now that he is getting a full picture, he is a bit taken aback.  He did not realize just what my childhood entailed.  After 15 years, he’s still learning about me.  Some things are so painful, you just don’t want to relive them.  Based on how he acted and what he said this morning, it seems like he’s just now getting how his actions have fed into the early issues.  I wish I could say his remorse and love are enough.  Right now though, I am still working my way through the betrayal so it’s hard to appreciate the changes.

On a positive note, I am making more time for myself and getting back into activities that I enjoy.  I have embraced my weight loss, about 60lbs to date.  It feels great to go into a store and pick a size and know I can fit it.  So I dress to feel good.  Ironically, MrJJ now has some jealousy issues.  He says I am getting looks (I don’t notice them) and has love/hate issues with that.  I also stopped by a salon on the way home from my regular therapy appointment on Monday and got a new haircut.  I’m loving it.  I just told her to layer it and try not to lose too much of the length.  It looks really good with the new color I did the week before MrJJ got home.  I’m posting the pic after I finish this blog.

It’s happening slowly, but I am feeling better about myself.

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