He’s Gone Again

Another six weeks holding things together on my own.  I know it could be harder.  But given all that has happened in the past six months, I feel entitled to a whinefest.  I’m sure if we added up all the time spent apart with his military time and law enforcement training, it would add up to quite some time apart.  It’s a wonder our marriage had time to fall apart, or maybe this was a factor.

So here I am, fresh into him finally having time, no distractions (he took his big exam on Monday) and my husband is able to finally focus on me and the fall-out from his actions.  And he’s gone to Iraq for 45 days.

He left an apology letter for me to read.  Actually, he thought it was a love note, but the apologies swallowed it up.  The first thing he did when he was assigned his pod was email and IM me.  Then he went out of his way to get his assigned cell tonight instead of tomorrow so he could call me.  Then he listened as I fell apart.  For some reason all that I had been holding back came bubbling to the surface today.

Today, BTW, is my wallow day.  Tomorrow it’s all about pulling myself up and forging on.  People say I’m strong.  I never feel strong.  I retreat too much to be strong.  But I am trying for a plan to at least act strong so we can enjoy the summer.  What responsibilities do I have now?  Kids are easy to please meal-wise, it’s just them making a mess now.  My biggest problem will be the dog and so help me if she goes back to her habit of pissing in the house (each room she has hit!) because the ‘lead dog’ is gone, she’ll be living in the garage and lucky to see the inside of the house before fall.  If you have abandonment issues like I do, never get an emotionally fragile dog like a Greyhound.  This one isn’t even a racer and still has the fragile ego of the other Greys I know.  I’m thinking of trading her in for a nice fern.  Maybe a rock garden.

So smack me around guys, don’t let me wallow too much.  I’m blessed.  My husband knows he messed up.  He’s making changes, restitution, all that. I see people at the infidelity forums that don’t have that.  He even understands and accepts if my final choice is to leave him.  All he’s asking for is a chance to prove this change is real, the he does love me and ‘need me like air’.  I suppose, after 15yrs, I can give him 6 more months.  I can’t believe I have been living with this daily pain for almost 6 months now.  Healing is so slow, but I suppose it has to be in order to take, right?


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