Where I Am

These are responses to posts made at an infidelity forum (SI- http://www.survivinginfidelity.com) that I have mentioned before.  I think I am coming to a corner, both personally and in my relationship with MrJJ  I recently realized that I am tired of the affair and MrJJ’s actions being everything in my life.  I want to go back to being creative, get out there with people and just live.  By holding onto every detail, I am holding back from giving us a chance.  If he is going to do this again, it won’t be for years and by that time I would have let go anyhow and I’ll be hurt, so by holding back in the now I am not protecting myself, I only think I am.  I am giving lip service to us having a chance.  I can let go and still be aware of all the work he needs to do on himself, all the work we need to do on us.  The previous issues can be my focus instead of the affair.  So here are some things I have responded to recently and I repeat them here (edited of all the SI lingo so you can understand it).

A post I made about the boards at http://www.gloryb.com (for affair partners- mostly “other women”).  They all tell themselves the same platitudes and are resentful that the world looks down on them.  It is a sick board to read.

MrJJ sat next to me as I was reading some of the posts. One I read to him was just like the Dear John letter Harlot sent him. A few of the same phrases, same attitude: We are in luuuuuv. I must leave for his good. He is with his wife out of obligation. This is true luuuuuv. This relationship taught me what luuuuv is.

MrJJ kind of looked shocked and I asked him if it sounded familiar. He nodded. I said either Harlot is posting there, or I was right- women like her are a dime a dozen.

Hearing things from that board did more for him realizing that what ‘they’ had wasn’t special, it was just like every other affair, than anything I have said to him before about the lines she fed him.

Such classics as “We (Other Woman and Betrayed Wife) would have been friends under other circumstances.” “I don’t want to force you to choose, you need to decide what makes you happy without pressure.” and my favorite, “I (Other Woman) actually really like and admire her (Betrayed Wife).” He now knows those didn’t come from a kind and giving heart, but instead are all lines Other Women like her use to look more caring and understanding than the wicked Betrayed Wife who is saying, “I don’t share, and I don’t play nice with people who hurt me.”

Responding to someone who asked how to deal with a husband that doesn’t show emotion.  I am trying to not only accept who I am, but who he is:

It’s hard (we’re dealing with the issue right now in IM) because he used phrases of love for Harlot and can’t seem to for me, he says it’s because they were lines and not heartfelt.

The good thing about him not showing emotion is that it’s easier to believe that they didn’t gaze into each others eyes and hold hands and all that he does with me, because supposedly she was also one of those types of people.

Turns out, he likes a woman who can show fire and passion better than a cold fish

Affairs, or the feelings they create, are often compared to addictions.  You get a high from someone stroking your ego, making you feel like the only/most important/smartest person in the world.  One Betrayed Husband (BH) posted, wondering whether the Wayward Spouse (WS) will have a craving for the AP (affair partner) for the rest of their lives, much like recovering alcoholics.

My IC (individual counselor) and I have talked about dry alcoholics, b/c alcoholism runs in both MrJJ’s and my families.

The thing I go to for comfort, to relieve the pain of living is suicidal thoughts. I am learning to replace them with other thoughts. They are still there, but I see a change. I suppose that would be an ‘addiction’ of mine to relieve pain.

MrJJ has yet to come to this point, but I believe the As are his way of handling pain. He believes it’s from the people around him, but honestly I think it’s the typical guy fear of “I am not measuring up”. When I think of what was going on in our lives at the time of both affairs, I can see that in the pattern.

So here’s his challenge- replace that need to feed the emptiness inside with something healthier. Right now, I am his addiction. But I would love for it to expand to something that comes from within himself.

I don’t believe that once addicted to the AP, always addicted. The addiction is to the act, the feelings it creates. A true alcoholic will drink cough syrup if there’s no other way to escape. They may have their preferred drink, but anything will do when it comes down to it.

So I believe that just like any addiction, introspection needs to be done and a healthier replacement needs to be found. So not only can the AP be out of our lives forever, but what really caused the A can be also.
A woman was upset because she recently was told (by the OW) that the OW was engaged.  The BW (betrayed wife) was upset that the OW is going to be living ‘the fairy tale’ after stealing HER fairy tale marriage.

For some reason I always do a lot of thinking and evaluation before my IC appt (had one yesterday afternoon). So yesterday morning during my walk, I thought about Harlot and how I recently realized she had her own issues.

She told MrJJ that her father just kind of dumped her and her mother (for an AP I wonder?), that she gave her virginity to a college friend just because she didn’t think anyone else would want it, and that she married her (STBX)H because she thought nobody else would love her. So here we have a woman that may be doing great professionally, but is shit when it comes to self confidence in relationships.

Enter MrJJ They are in the same field, apparently work is what they mostly talk about. She can finally connect with someone, it *seems* personal because they are also both having problems with their spouses. She decides to leave hers, the A starts.

Six months later, in response to MrJJ’s NC (no contact) letter, she writes a Dear John letter that, among other things, says she has no regrets, she knows what they have is true love, Jem just won’t set him free. If that never happens- ok, at least she learned what true love is.

Here’s where I get to my point. She didn’t. She didn’t learn shit about love or herself. She actually went backwards in her process. Harlot will look for the ‘love’ she had w/ MrJJ in the next relationship, when the infatuation stage ends, those old feelings of not being wanted will kick in. I actually have been feeling kind of sorry for her. Because until she fixes how she is broken, any happiness she finds is short lived. And I’m sure that’s how it is with the OW in your life. The crappy thing about dreams is you wake up from them. And she will, because obviously she hasn’t taken the time to be alone and fix what’s broken- hasn’t even bothered to look, I’m sure.

I don’t know about you, but I’m better than Harlot. Not because I “won” P., not because I didn’t have an A even though I was unhappy and lonely too. But because I am getting healthy enough to know that I will be ok- with or without MrJJ In fact, with or without any man in my life. I am right with me. I am losing the victim status and becoming a victor.

Just by being here, you are doing that too. You are learning, growing, becoming healthy. You will have more than you lost, be more than who you were. She doesn’t have anything on you. She’s not even the joke, she’s the punchline nobody gets.
I still have issues obviously, but I think I am getting to a great place.  A place that will enable me to face whatever reality is going on in our marriage- whether it’s the good of recovery or the bad of stagnation.  I’m getting right with myself and more confident in my ability to see truth for what it is.  I can’t thank you, my friends, enough for your support and encouragement during this time.

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