h.*.*

I recently came across someone that was proud at ‘how strong’ she is to leave her ‘troubled’ marriage.  The ‘trouble’ was that they weren’t ‘in love’ anymore.  The death knell of any relationship, right?  It just reminds me of the first few lines of the book “Getting the Love you Want”.  The author, Harville Hendrix, talks about getting in a box with someone, becoming unsatisfied and getting out of the box.  Then trying it again with someone else.  The thing is, while under certain circumstances that might be fine, that’s not always the best or only solution.  Not bothering to learn what makes us tick…what makes us love…is why more second marriages fail than first marriages.

Don’t get me wrong, getting out of the box is sometimes the best AND only solution.  And it does make you strong.  For instance, I felt very strong when, after years of verbal and ‘mild’ physical abuse, I pushed my partner out of the box.  I know of other abused women that got strong and got out of the box.  Nothing is stronger than doing something like that when you feel weak, I tell you.

This person preens her ‘strength’ at leaving a marriage that was good, but not loving enough.  Fair enough, it’s her choice.  Me- I’m not impressed.  She’s not young, a parent, dependent on her husband for income, mentally cowed into believing the put downs…any of the normal things I think of in a ‘bad’ relationship.  He worked- wasn’t a bum like some husbands, she worked, they had a partnership.  She just didn’t feel ‘in love’ and instead of addressing that, she left.  Fair enough.  The problem stands when she started making judgments on other people and whether they should leave their relationships.  After all, she had been ‘brave’ right?  Why couldn’t they?

The thing is, sometimes it is braver to stay.  Sometimes you are a hero when you say, “I have been deeply hurt by you, yet I choose to try and work through this.  Not just for our family, but for us.”  Staying in the box often means more work.  In some cases, incredibly hard work.  Facing that, and pain from the past, can be much braver than leaving.

I don’t mean to judge those that leave.  Believe me, I know we all have our boundaries.  Like I mentioned before, mine was physical and mental safety.  But I am flummoxed by a person that can leave a relationship that most likely just needed some tending while telling others what they should do in theirs.

That’s why I truly appreciate my friends (and sis) who don’t always agree with my choices, but always support me.  Because I know they can be just like this person.

Since, according to my IP tracker, she most likely reads here, I invite her to comment.  Share her wisdom or tell me where I got the story wrong.  Either that, or stay the hell out of my business and go find her own life.

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