homecoming honeymoon

MrJJ has been home a week.  It really is like a honeymoon, he’s a changed man, renewed in his love for me.  I believe it, really.  But I also believe it is a honeymoon and the reality of day to day life and work pressures will get to him.

We’re going to continue marriage counseling and I am still in therapy.  I have an appointment today in fact, and I am looking forward to discussing all of this with my therapist.

It’s wonderful to have MrJJ want to hold me and kiss me and look at me with all the love I have been missing for so long.  The problem comes in that I have been missing it for so long.  I now know it can go away and I don’t trust it to last.

Additionally, I am not sure I can get over this affair.  Most of all, the fact he never stopped seeing her.  We talked about it and he actually had tried to end it in October and December and both times she talked him out of it.  Reminded him of our awful marriage and convinced him that I would walk out on my own soon so he might as well keep on.  I suppose that’s why he ended it ‘gradually’ by slowly ignoring her, not calling her, not responding to her emails.  It doesn’t make it any less painful for me.  In fact, more so.  I think of all the pain I could have been spared had he been a stronger man.  The first “d-day” (discovery day) the affair would have already been over.  There would have been no second day of me finding proof he was still in contact with her, indeed had never stopped.  That day- I almost went into shock.  My body was shaking uncontrollably, I felt like puking, my vision got blurry, I felt cold all over…all this pain because he couldn’t be a stronger man.  MrJJ isn’t even sure why he stayed.  There were so many reasons not to and so few to stay.

I’ve felt guilty, as though if I can’t get past this when he is so sincere and loving, it will be my fault the family is broken up.  What’s his response?  No, it would be his fault- because he had the affair and I shouldn’t have anything to get over.  Damn him for saying the right things.

He had a dream Saturday night that I left him to move back with my family on the other side of the country.  Recounting it the next morning, he cried and clung to me, saying “I can’t live without you.”  As touching as that is, I know he can- he’s shown it.  Maybe not right now, in the ‘honeymoon’ but when that wears off.  I told him it was interesting he had that dream because I woke up at 130am and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I spent the whole night up and thinking, playing with my iPod making playlists, one with songs of how I wish he felt.  I thought about her abortion, about him trying to leave, about him being weak and hopping between the two of us in December.  I was- and am- ready to leave.  But a couple of things make me stay.  First, as a Christian I have to forgive.  So if I am going to forgive anyway, why tear my family apart?  Only if I am sure the marriage itself will be too weak for what I need and I am not sure of that yet.  Secondly, I stay because of the most excellent advice of I don’t have to make a choice now.  Things are still in flux and a choice doesn’t have to be made now.  Heck, it can be two years from now, I reevaluate, realize I am past the affair, but the marriage still isn’t what I need.  I can leave then or whenever if I need to.

Anyhow, I have so much to say and I have to go take Silly Son to school so this will likely be a part one.

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