Answered Prayers

So I do my best not to be too overtly pray-in-your-face Christian, as I know that makes some people uncomfortable.  But the fact is, I believe it is a total miracle for me to be able to come from where I was, totally broken and ready to leave this world; to where I am, overall a happy person, strong and ready to accept joy into her life.  I find the most peace not when I pray, but when I let go and tell God my needs and fears from my heart.  When I try to ‘pray’ out of obligation, I feel like I am just talking to myself.  There have been a few things in the past months that I see as answered prayers.

Most recently, it stemmed from an argument MrJJ and I had.  He was determined the ‘right way’ to end things with Harlot is to do it face to face.  So his plan was to have her drop his car off and he do it then, at the airport before he comes home.  We argued, I tried to do my usual logical, filled with evidence thing.  He resisted, as always.  Finally, I just decided to pray a circle of protection around him and our marriage.  The next time we talked, I told him that I just wanted him to understand how his choice made me feel.  That old patterns were re-emerging and I felt ignored, and that it was an act of respect to her and because of that, an act of disrespect to me.  After I made sure he understood, I dropped it.  The next morning he called (unusual in itself as he usually waits till the end of his day, not lunch hour) and asked if I would be ok picking him up from the airport and then later we both get his car.  He went on to say he would send her a no contact email (in the world of surviving infidelity that means an non-emotional email stating there is to be no contact of any kind from here on out).  Because I haven’t heard from him, I don’t know if he has done it yet.  But I was amazed as I watched our whole pattern of dealing with conflict change.  But it didn’t hit me yet that it was an answered prayer.

I have not heard from him in a couple of days.  He’s put in 70 hours of OT this pay period, is wrapping up what he was sent to Iraq to do and has a mid-term essay due today for his Harvard extension course.  I get it, I try not to freak out these days.  But I logged onto one of his secret accounts (that he has given me full access to) this morning to find Harlot sent a Dear John letter last night.  It was filled with assurances that she knows he loves her, but that it seems he feels an obligation to me and his family that prevents him from leaving.  Likewise, she doesn’t believe he will ever leave her, so she is leaving him.  Please get the help you need MrJJ and all of that crap.

I went back to bed, feeling just awful about what she said about me, us and them.  I kept telling myself it didn’t matter what she thought but I couldn’t let it go.  So I started praying to let it go, because those are the only times I have found peace.  Yet, the prayer must not have been sincere because I felt I was only talking to myself.

I then started crying, worrying about my faith, what has brought me through the worst twice now.  Last time, with the move and having to find a new church and having a new baby, I just felt so lost and it slipped away.  I didn’t want my faith to slip away this time as I knew how much peace it gave me.  So I cried and tried to think of how to keep strong.  I was in the midst of planning to call my pastor when the thought came to me.  The circle of protection.  I hadn’t thought of it since over a week ago.  But yet, there was my answer to everything in one fell swoop.

Not only did I get to see that my husband was willing to change the patterns and, as he said, show me that my feelings did matter; but I got to see that she is letting go.  Yes, in her way.  I would prefer she is heartbroken and broken instead of being the ‘brave lover sacrificing herself for her love’.  But really, what does it matter?  If that gives her comfort, fine.  So in that one thought, I felt my faith become strong again from the answered prayer and the sadness from what Harlot said in her email was dissipated.    And, God reminded me of something I tend to forget- I can’t always have things my way.  Even answered prayers.

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