Feeling So Lonely

I’m just feeling so lonely and don’t really feel like imposing myself on anyone.  I just feel like maybe they are tired of hearing me being down, although I know I am not always like that, it just feels this way.

I am going through the stages of grief, finally processing what I discovered when my sister was here.  I’ve been angry, and sad and who knows what else.  Right now I am having to talk myself out of sending Harlot an email.

MrJJ has been great, accountable, understanding…but he’s still not here.  I may or may not hear from him in a day, depending on his schedule.  It feels like these last two weeks of expectations are the worst.  The waiting is almost over and I am almost scared of what the reality of being together day by day will bring.  At least there he may be in danger, but is ‘safe from her’.  Stupid I know.

He’s going out of his way planning for my worries and to help earn trust back when he comes home.  He’s decided things without me having to bring them up- changing his hours, being home earlier, calling and being available by phone as much as possible, bringing me with him when he has to go in to fill out paperwork when he gets back, bringing us with him when he has to go to MA for his final exam this semester.

But still, there’s that second betrayal he just can’t explain and no matter what could never justify.  To see me hurting and still remain with her- esp. since he had serious doubts about her!

So here I am, crying more than I have all previous three months combined.  I feel like I’m falling apart and I’m ashamed of myself.  This should be the easy part and I am making it hard.


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