One Worry led to Another and Before I knew it, I was Thinking

So, reading the news in the area MrJJ is in today, I was struck all over again at how dangerous it is, no matter how he assures me.  The pictures of the pod he lives in shows even the walkways surrounded by walls a couple of feet thick of concrete.  No wonder the cell phone they gave him doesn’t get reception very much inside.

So here’s my stream of consciousness as I wrote to MrJJ about my worries.  Forgive me for not being more involved in the plight of other people, I have been feeling very selfish of late.  I do have compassion, I cry at these stories, I usually avoid them.  I want to do something, have asked MrJJ what I can send to help the people he encounters, but yet, my hands are helpless right now.

********************

Reading the Baghdad news, always there are worries.  You never venture out, right?  I think, wow, the markets must be so cool- but not worth the risk of the bombings and terrorism.  I was reading an article released not quite 30mins ago about a bomb near a large book vendor, pages and flesh flying everywhere.  How heartbreaking and horrifying.  You keep yourself away from that kind of thing.  No paycheck is worth it.

It makes the worries that keep me up at night about us almost unreal.

I was reading about how now they are turning on mixed marriages.  Making threats from the Sunni (sp?) and the Shiites.   It’s like living in the 50’s and the two of us getting married in the south.  Only, with the Middle Eastern brand of violence.  But something tells me it’s not far off.  Threats in the middle of the night, pouring gasoline over people, people just disappearing.   Not even love is enough.  Hatred wears harder, pulls more and digs deeper into the soul of an unhappy person.  Unhappy people.

It kind of makes me think back to early on, when you used to notice people giving you dirty looks.  I never noticed them, but you always felt you were silently being judged as not good enough to be with the white girl.  I never noticed because I had not grown up with skin as an issue.  When we got to dating age in military schools, I remember having crushes on guys that were different races.  It was always about the guy, not the color.  It kind of makes me wonder if somewhere deep inside, that’s why you started that email flirtation early on in our marriage?  Probably not, but I wonder how come you have always been looking away from me, but coming back and when will it stop. Is this a part of the puzzle?

No matter, we will deal with in in less than three weeks.  In the meantime, stay safe.  Hole up in your pod as much as possible and get caught up on your homework so when exam time comes, you are ready.
***************

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the me and believe he has nothing else to do but the same.  But the truth is, he was sent there to perform a specific job and has a relatively short amount of time to get in there and accomplish it even with roadblocks in his way.  MrJJ is somewhere dangerous.  I like to pretend not, but the truth is there.  Every time I read about a car bombing at a check point, I wonder if he was on his way through there or had ever been there.  The pictures I mentioned above brings this to harsh reality.  He may have done lots of things wrong, and treated me badly, but still, my heart stops a bit when I see he has to wear a bullet proof vest when out and about.  I thought those days were over when he stopped being a cop.

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