Ringing Free

The midwife called last night.  I am STD free and clear!  Yeah, let’s celebrate something I shouldn’t have had to worry about to begin with.

There’s a bell I would like to unring (can actually, but there seems to be a problem with the email system).  Today, in a fit of self pity I sent the following email to Harlot.  All in all, I am not remorseful, just second guessing.  And hell, it’s nothing to what it could have been (I have a nice little draft titled: who the fuck do you think you are?).  Lest anyone think I am letting MrJJ off easy, no that is not the case.  We chat everyday almost and every day he is having to answer to me.  That he is doing so willingly and patiently is a good sign to me.  That and my subconscious is at rest while I sleep, no things that ‘aren’t adding up’ from the current situation.  Anyhow, the email:
I know.
And I have let go.  Unlike you, I have too much respect for myself and my family to hold onto a man who thinks he can play around with two women.

Here’s a great place for others like you, who have something ‘special’ and ‘unique’.  I’m sure if you check out the forums, each story will be different and you won’t see any of yourself in them. http://www.gloryb.com/
Or this article: http://www.comcast.net/relationships/chelsea/index.jsp?articleId=1

Here’s something came across and sent to my husband. You might benefit from reading and thinking about too.  I don’t know about you, but I can look at myself and not be ashamed for the things I have done.  The mistakes I have made are genuinely regretted and once I recognize what I have done, I do my best to stop and rectify things.  I have not hurt children in the process of meeting selfish needs.  I have not compromised my ethics and values to justify being with someone I shouldn’t be.

If I loved someone, I would NEVER want to help them do something they regretted. If I loved someone, I wouldn’t want to have them remember me with shame. If I loved someone, I would never want to be the reason their children needed counseling and medication. If I loved someone, I would not destroy his marriage and tell myself ‘it was doomed anyways’. If I..loved someone, I would never fool myself into thinking that if there is..no Discovery Day, no one gets ‘hurt’. If I loved someone, ..I would never put them..in a position that forces them to lie about any of our activities..together. If I loved someone, I would not want to be a part of anything..that would later make them contemplate suicide to escape the guilt of..what we had done. If I loved someone, I would not jeopardize their career. If I loved someone, I would not do things with them that are so bad, no one else can know about it. If I loved someone, I would not assist them into financial ruin.  If I loved someone, I would not be so selfish that I fooled myself into thinking any of the above things are worth the risk for my own selfish needs.

If I loved myself, I would not enter a relationship with someone who is already committed (I don’t share – it is degrading). If I loved myself, I wouldn’t ‘date’ someone I couldn’t call at home. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t do things I had to lie about. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t fool myself into thinking that a man that had to sneak around to see me really cared about me. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t convince myself that a few weekly phone calls well after midnight and a few erotic emails during the day followed by sex in a ‘pay by the hour’ motel is a ‘relationship’. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t see someone who wasn’t willing to take me out in public. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t have sex with someone who can’t sleep with me in his own bed. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t behave in a way that would make me die of shame if my family knew. If I  loved myself, I would end an unhappy relationship before beginning another one. If I loved myself, I wouldn’t treat others in a way I wouldn’t want to be treated. If I loved myself,  I would know that anything that costs me my integrity just isn’t worth it. If I loved myself, I would know that someone who helps to destroy my integrity does not love me.
Affairs may feel like love sometimes, but if they even come close to love – it isn’t any kind of ‘healthy love’. I don’t believe affairs involve love at all. What affairs do is create an infatuation with ‘the feeling’ of being desired (lust) and the desperate need to escape something (addiction). While in the addiction, it still ‘feels good’ That doesn’t mean it is love. It means the addiction is still there (the need to escape). It only feels like love, because in the moment – you don’t love yourself enough to ‘see reality’

The thing is, it’s not entirely true.  I have let go, and he has held on to me and us.  He has not contacted her since Feb 4th (as evidenced by her increasingly ‘sweetly irritated’ where are you emails to him).

So who knows, maybe sending the email will be a good thing, maybe it’s a bad thing.  I do have to wonder what sign it is that it hasn’t been delivered to her account yet, hours later.

Anyhow, overall, the day is ending with a sense of relief and completion.

Thanks for being here for me as I ride this fucked up roller coaster.


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