the shape of things

There’s so much going on I don’t even know where to start.  The truth is, I feel like if I get into it, I will get too emotional to finish.  So I guess I’ll just list them and expand later.

-MrJJ has made a definite turn in attitude since the beginning of the month.  He is more clear and sure about us and willing to do things like the STD testing and counseling.

– I found out last Sat. night that he is still in contact with Harlot and indeed never stopped.  That contact starting waning during the beginning of the month when he stopped emailing her and reading her emails (I know this through some sneaky and slightly unethical/legal investigating techniques).

-When confronted, he admitted to more than I knew and said that he knew he screwed up but was trying to find a way to get out of the mess he’s gotten us into.

– He can’t just break up with her because she has his car (!)

– He feels vindicated because of my ‘infidelity’ when we were legally separated in ’97.

– I have gone from being strong and confident to weak and hopeful and following his lead to, now, strong, confident and hopeful.

– I have decided that some issues I will let go for now until her gets back.

-The issue I have decided not to let go on is her having his car (“I would do that for any friend”- riiiiiiiight ) and having to pretend some sort of relationship, no matter how pared down until he gets it back.

– I have decided to let him know that by continuing to let her have the car he is putting her feelings over mine and while he may not feel it’s true, I can’t handle it.  That until all ties are severed and I have proof, I have to cut contact with him.  It’s either him and her or him and me- not both.  He says we are destined to be together, and you don’t treat your ‘destiny’ like this.

I know it sounds like I am letting him walk all over me, and in a way I am.  My problem is seeing the same patterns happen with other wayward spouses on the infidelity board and the result for many (as long as I don’t act the doormat) is they actually come to their senses.

In my recent talk with my therapist, I learned that by ‘enabling’ him and not setting and sitting by clear boundaries I am actually hurting his healing.  I guess it’s good for me MrJJ  doesn’t enable I am damaging myself, him and through us our family.  So I am contemplating boundaries and hope to learn to stick by them.

Wish me luck as I implement the first one as soon as we talk again- no us until they are over, car or no car.


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