closing time

So MrJJ finally said it clearly.  He wants to stay together, to work through everything.  He’s talked about how he is sorry for what he did, for how it hurt me.  He regrets, admits…things he never really did with the Sandy affair. 

When we chatted tonight (through IM) and I mentioned feeling lost, he said:
“There’s a lighthouse out there somewhere Jem.  I’ll be there with you as we go towards it.  We’ll work through this, somehow.”

He also talked about how it was a rollercoaster ride and he just buckled up and let me take him where I needed him to go.  A far cry from telling me how I should feel.  He’s worried about me being happy, stresses out that him not being able to contact me is affecting my mental health.

Maybe once it would have, now it just colors how I think of him.  My happiness isn’t totally dependent on him, I’ve learned that’s a sure way to sorrow.

He’s talking the things I tried to tell him before he left.  The happiness he is searching for is within.  Love grows stronger when you act on it.  When he left, he was searching for which path would make him happy.  Now he says he knows it’s all in how he deals with it.  When he left, he wasn’t sure about love, now he says he knows the more he gives, the better it is.

The thing is, I don’t feel like I can fully commit myself until I have all the answers.  Until I know he has a real idea of what reconciliation means.  We both have issues to work through and I’m having a hard time trusting he will follow through.  Again the mantra- no choice needs to be made now.  I’m having a hard time reconciling myself to the new him.  I’ve even asked him if this is him or someone else typing for him.

I suppose no matter the path we take, this will be good because it is making the both of us grow up.  We’ve held each other back for so long it’s about time we help each other grow.  Of course, thinking that we will grow from this, I cannot help but hope it means a whole marriage rather than an amicable divorce.

So there you go friend of mine., the next chapter.  It feels like the ending and a beginning. It reminds me of the song Closing Time:

“Closing time – every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here…thank goodness, because walking a path is better than sitting on a barstool waiting for life.  Whichever path it is!

ps- lest we think he is totally changed, he mentioned how he couldn’t wait to come home and stay in bed late on Saturday mornings and go to the bookstore and Target and Starbucks.  I told him, how about non shopping things like hikes and watching the kids play at the park.  That sounds like fun too he agreed.  But ever the shopper…*sigh*

Currently listening:
Closing Time
By Semisonic
Release date: 03 November, 1998

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