The Things I’ve Been Thinking

During my therapy session this week, Mr. C (my counselor) mentioned that MrJJ and I seem to be in an intimacy struggle.  We pull close till we get nervous or scared of being hurt then pull back.

I see it right now.  MrJJ is being loving, caring, understanding…and suddenly I start thinking, “I’ll never get past this!”  This that I had determined from the beginning that we could work through and it was just MrJJ that had doubts. Just goes to show that K’s advice in her comments is so good- I don’t have to make a choice now.  Indeed, on the SI (Surviving Infidelity) boards, they call it the recovery rollercoaster and it might go on for 1-2 years.

So I have been struggling with dealing with my feelings on my own, when yesterday morning I realized I didn’t have to.  So I emailed MrJJ, asking for a short response, whether it was Yes or let’s discuss this later or I can’t agree to that for each point:

I need to know that while there will be the initial period of “We’ll Try” that you keep talking about, when/if you decide to commit, it will be fully.

By this I need to know you understand that ‘committing fully’ means me and just me for the rest of our lives.  If you ever feel the need to look outside of our marriage, I need to know that you will be honest and have enough respect for me to tell me before there is even a particular person.

I need to know that you are committed to learning and using the tools we need to keep our relationship smooth.

I need to know that you are open to looking inside yourself to discover the why of your behaviors, and to get help doing that through appropriate channels.

I need this marriage to be about you and me only.  Nobody else, even the kids.  The only third party that should be in our marriage is God.

I need you to know that not only am I asking this all of you, but I am asking this of myself.

I got a big old YES for each as a reply.  Good news, right?

Well, at the bottom I had requested that when he gets tested for STDs like he promised that he will send/bring me the results.  He replied that it couldn’t be done there and wasn’t my testing enough?

I tried to do some quick research, found only bits, but basically I was right- condoms don’t protect against everything.  And of course, if there was any oral or manual contact, there’s the fluid and skin to skin transfer there.  We should be tested again 6mos after the last contact, which should be soon after he gets back.  That’s if he’s told the whole story about the sex side.  But since he wants to talk face to face to answer my questions, I wonder.

I hate that I have to ask these questions, go in for testing, go in again…research topics I thought I’d never have to worry about because I have only had one partner.

But I feel like I can do this, I can live with this- if he steps up and becomes the man he is promising to be.  Gets the help, walks the walk…we have a chance at an intact and happy family and a good marriage.  Which is more than we had before all this.  Is it sad that I can live with what he has done, even appreciate it was something that helped in the long run if it means we finally take a clear look at what we have become and nurture our growth in the way our marriage and family needs?

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