Every Road Leads…Where?

We’ve been communicating and it surprises me how MrJJ has opened up to listening and responding to me, even if he’s still staying the closed off person he’s become.  I want him to open up like he used to, but I suppose that will take time.

I bounce back and forth (well, you have seen that here) and he’s been patient all the way through, saying things he wouldn’t have said a year ago.  I can’t believe the insight I am seeing in him- he has to be learning it from somewhere, because it’s been years since he had this kind of empathy.

I’ve made two requests of him.  The first is, when you say something, say it clearly.  No using, “I think you don’t have to worry..” or “Let’s hope we can…”  If you mean, “No, I am not…” or “I want us to…” then say it.  Otherwise, my mind delves into all the possible shades of meaning.  He’s getting better at that.

The other thing I asked him is to say more than I love you.  He said it all while he was involved with Harlot, so it doesn’t have the impact it should.  He says, “But I did love you during that whole time!”  Yes but because of having her too, the impact is lessened (fwiw- this attitude is so typical of wayward spouses- check out some of the posts at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com, it’s amazing how every story starts out different, but the same core attitudes are present).

He’s been tired, stressed and busy.  But this morning, at the bottom of an email about bills and such, he wrote this:
I’m thinking of you even though you dont hear it. I’m dreaming of a
life that we can have together instead of one that keeps us at odds
with one another. One where later on in life the children can look
back on and say although our parents had a lot of adversity they were
like the long thin reeds found on Hatteras that weathered the storms.
I know I’m to blame for everything that has happened but I only ask
that you hang in there so we can have the life that we both dream of.
I love you and stay strong.
And sent me an ecard-
The personalized part read:
I do love you and miss you.  I wish I could say something that would pierce your soul and make the world right for you again.  All I can say is that I will try to be the man you need me to be.  I love you and miss you.  Love MrJJ

I have been working on moving into my own life.  I’m expanding the things I do, I’m looking into my interests…have to find some outside of the kids.  My sister is coming to visit and we’re going to do girly stuff.  I think the last time I did that was at a baby shower where we did the paraffin thing on our hands and did makeup.  I’m starting to feel pretty again- I have realized my eyes are striking.  I’ve always left the looks thing behind, thinking it wasn’t worth the bother.  Now I know there’s a halfway point.

I feel like things are falling into place and that happiness is within reach.  Oddly enough, I feel like working on our marriage (at this point) will be harder than going on my own.  Yes, I appreciate what single moms go through, but the fact is that I have been ‘single mom’-ish for a long time.  MrJJ is often gone long hours (ha- even before Harlot), he doesn’t help with the house, finances are always stressful and the kids are almost entirely my domain.  When I look at a life of being single, I see more of the same- more intense, but balanced by the fact that I make my own choices in day to day life without answering to anyone.  Idealized, I know.  But the people that know me IRL know the responsibilities and loneliness I’ve had to deal with.  So in choosing to try, it just looks harder to me.  But as I have been so wisely advised, I don’t have to make a choice right now.

So the choice I make is to try.  If it works, then one day maybe we can both make a final choice together.

I’ve rambled, but I just wanted to share what has made me smile today.

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