Have we found the core?

Just got of the phone with MrJJ  The longest and most productive conversation we have had since he left.  Maybe even the most productive conversation we have had in years.

We’ve agreed that he will answer any and all questions when he gets home, face to face.

I also found out that he has believed for ten years that when we separated I cheated on him.  Three friends were supposed to come visit at once.  One guy put off his visit so he missed my other two friends.  Yes, we had a close friendship, and there was some kissing that apparently MrJJ saw when he stopped by my apartment.  I quickly realized that the guy had no real attraction for me, so when MrJJ knocked on the door it was a relief.  I was driving Mr. Bad Kisser to the airport that night (2hrs away) and falling asleep at the wheel so we rented a hotel room.  Honestly, there was a pillow between the two of us as we slept a couple of hours and I got up and dropped him off.  I can’t even remember saying goodbye.  I do remember stopping by the mall on the way home and getting myself some cute PJs in celebration of just being me and happy and alone.

MrJJ and I reconciled shortly after that, but he found the hotel receipt in my car.  Apparently all this time he has not believed me when I say nothing happened.  He went through this pain of betrayal all alone…I would not wish it on anyone, imagined or not.  It is a debilitating pain.

I have often tried to figure out where we went from being best of friends, although he got rough (the reason for the separation in ’97) to growing so far apart.  Knowing that not having the answers and feeling you can’t trust drives such a wedge, I get so much more now.

He still doesn’t believe me- doesn’t see how it could be possible two people in a hotel room don’t take advantage of the situation.  But he says that he never stopped loving me and wanting me.  He’s not using it as an excuse, he just wanted me to know he does understand my pain.  He’s been there.

Now, he wants us to talk all this out when he gets home (a huge step for him, esp. if he’s been holding onto it for 10yrs).  He says he wants us to grow old together.  I know it doesn’t erase the past, and there are so many hurdles yet to jump.  But I think it’s a big step for him to have finally let that pain in the open.

Advertisements

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Em
    Jun 08, 2012 @ 15:57:43

    Wow. Cheaters lie. From this very blog

    https://jemjester.wordpress.com/2008/03/01/my-failings/

    I was reading through this entire thing thinking how awful your husband must be but then learning you are just as bad but a better liar is very disappointing.

    Reply

    • jemjester
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 14:12:59

      Ouch. Part of me thinks I deserve it but then I was there so I know wht I was feeling, what I did. At that point I had been subjected to physical abuse (being held off the ground by my neck more than once) but I never called it that because I had no broken bones and there wasn’t hitting. “Just” grabbing, choking, yanking, twisting and so on. I was subjected to emotional and verbal abuse (“I do what I do because you’re such a bitch”). He had kissed someone else, written love letters to someone else and focused on a former crush as well as “normal” guy things like porn and going to titty bars. Hanging out with. Former girlfriend and only telling me because she left her wallet in his car under the seat.

      The flirtations were, without a doubt, wrong. At that point he had told me it was ok since it was all online. Equivalent to a role playing game.

      The sex? I’ve had to work through that with my therapist. My husband left me. Told me he was never coming back after the separation papers were signed. Then was true to his word. Before he left he told me about how he was desired by other women and didnt need me; that he had already made out with a hot chick. We were legally on the path to D and I had been abandoned rather than starting marriage counseling like I begged. I allowed myself to be used and I still feel a mixture of feelings about that. Shame in the forefront. Again, worked on this in therapy some because it was a case of a predator using someone in a weakened state (I hesitate typing that but it’s the truth as I see it). I wanted to say no but felt I couldn’t because I had invited it somehow and I was worthless and unwanted anyhow.

      Since then my husband cheated with a friend, told me it was just emotional. We started a family. He cheated again with a co-worker and lied about ending it. Between discovery of the second affair and finding it hadn’t ended I also discovered he had had sex with my friend and lied about it for nearly eight years.

      Between being abused as a child and abused and betrayed in my marriage, I am just now dealing with what all of this has done to me. That’s why I stopped writing in this blog, it was bringing up too much too fast.

      So, I thank you for your candid comment. The unlovable Jem totally agrees with you. The healing Jem is speaking in a quiet yet firm voice and saying, “no, I’m not as bad. I had his approval and then his abandonment in addition to previous indiscretions on his part that all worked together to destroy my self worth so when I was approached, I felt I had no right to self integrity.”

      Reply

    • jemjester
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 15:45:02

      I can see where it seems like a lie. In one post I only mentioned kissing, in the other the awkward sexual encounter. It took me years to unbury that shame. Questioning from my husband during our conversation bought the buried details out. I was a combination of shame and violation. I repressed it as much as I could. And I have been honest about it now that I remember more facts. If you notice, more than a year passed between entries. During that year I worked on what happened during that time.

      Since then I not only posted on this blog, but told my therapist, our marriage counselor, the infidelity support site I posted at and my IRL betrayed spouses support group. I’ve been doing my best to be authentic, as much as the truth nauseates me.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: