To understand that story, you need to know this one:

So, in dealing with what is going on now, I have been facing the demons of the past.  Called her recently actually.  And I am almost ashamed to admit my confusion, but I feel that this background will make sense of what I say about current issues at the end of the blog.

Reflections on the Sorry Affair

We started out as couple friends.  MrJJ knew Jerk from work.  He had met his wife, Sorry, when she came in to see Jerk.  Later, I was told that is when she first was attracted to MrJJ  We were invited over to their home and we all got along so well the friendship progressed quickly.  It was the first time the two of us had real jobs at the same time.  I was teaching and he was a cop.  We finally had disposable income and had fun going to clubs and out to eat with our friends.

Soon though, she began to complain about Jerk and how she didn’t have that ‘fairy tale’ feeling anymore.  I tried to tell her that through our problems, ups and downs and 5yrs of marriage to her 1.5, that the feeling comes and goes.  During that time, it was there for me full force.  I felt so happy in our marriage.  Soon, things began changing.  She would do things that made me wonder what kind of friend she really was.

I remember mentioning to her that I always felt like I couldn’t wear sleeveless shirts because my upper arms were too fat.  The next time we went out together, she had on a sleeveless and almost see through shirt.  She made fun of my aesthetic, preferring instead the straight modern lines (not the good ones- the kind Walmart sells).  I laughed and kept to my “frou frou” style of decorating with odds and ends.

Soon MrJJ and I started fighting and I didn’t know why.  I remember the time we got in an argument after a double date with the two of them.  MrJJ and Jerk left and Sorry stayed, telling me I was too good for him.  I deserved better. I should stand up for myself and tell him off.  Why yes I did, and I yelled it at MrJJ and that’s when he stayed at their house.  In fact, most of my outbursts were fueled by her whispering in my ear like a snake.  She even gave me the words to say.  That’s why I kept coming to MrJJ, reaching out, but never was brave enough to apologize, because I hadn’t really owned those words.

I remember going to Hamm’s (a local brewery/sandwich joint) and she was so sad and morose.  Afterward, MrJJ took out his telescope and showed her the stars.  I think that’s when I knew.  I sat on the curb, my heart breaking as MrJJ ‘dated’ someone right in front of me.  This is why our stargazing recently got to me.

Playing tennis, she constantly said how bad I was…I thought we were just having fun.  She encouraged me during our time alone to talk badly about MrJJ, asking me questions, probing for any bit of unhappiness.  I found out later she would tell him those things and maybe more that I hadn’t said.  I believe that’s how the fights started.  Meanwhile, we had stopped communicating.  I have so many memories of her being the third wheel and pouting the whole while.

That last day, we went to eat breakfast at Denny’s and I just couldn’t take the looks they gave each other and how I felt so left out.  I ran.  When MrJJ found me and brought me home, he left me again to be with her.  I drove by the two of them in the community college parking lot.  MrJJ thought I had seen them, but I hadn’t.  I was wanting to find a secluded country road to kill myself on.  I wanted to be good and dead before I was found.  I lost my nerve and turned around to go home figuring to do it there instead. When P. came back and said, “I’m in love with someone else.  It’s Sorry.”  I just had to hurt him as much as I could.  But my fists were so powerless against the hurt inside.  There’s no way MrJJ could feel that pain unless he had been in love with someone who shunned you.  I had taken all those pills and downed a wine cooler.  What did he do?  Get me syrup of ipecac and left, never calling to see if I lived or died.  That still hurts.

I went into the bathroom, it took awhile to throw up.  I stared at myself in the darkened bathroom mirror, trying to ascertain what was going on with my pupils.  Were they normal?  Constricted? Dilating unevenly?  What I found was someone else looking out of my eyes.  It scared the shit out of me.  Literally, there was someone else there, not me just not recognizing myself.  Frightened, I staggered over to Olive and Brawn’s apartment.  Brawn was in the process of moving, a friend was helping him.  He only saw I was distressed, so he put me on the phone with Olive at work.  She found out what happened and talked to Brawn.  Suddenly, I was being watched over and taken care of as the drugs wound their way through my system.

For days, weeks, I couldn’t sleep or eat for the fear of being betrayed.  The dreams were awful, I couldn’t sleep for more than 20-30 minutes at a time because the betrayal dreams would start and I would wake up to it being reality.  I spent hours on the phone in the middle of the night with a suicide prevention hotline. I had to confess to my professors why I couldn’t concentrate on my school work suddenly.  I was actually really proud of the grades I got in the end in spite of it all.

We went to counseling.  Things got better, but still we never rebuilt our trust.  I always withheld a corner of my heart, waiting for P to come to me again and say, “I love someone else.”  I begged him over the years to tell me before it got too far because the betrayal hurt worse than the abandonment.  The wondering how could he act like a friend and partner to my face and walk all over me behind my back.  I think of then and now and how he doesn’t seem to empathize and I wonder if we should even be together.  Maybe MrJJ were right when he said I held on too tight.  I should have let go long ago, when I still had the capacity to love with a heart that was only bruised, not broken.

I feel like we encountered a demon, just like MrJJ has said.  She really did have a forked tongue.  And because of how we handled it then, keeping secrets during and after, she is still coming between us.  She caused that 7 year rift that allowed us to not feel loved and contributed to my worsening depression.  Our reluctance to be completely honest and vulnerable with each other kept it open.

Epilogue to the Sorry Affair

Don’t ask me why, but I have felt compelled to find her and contact her.  I did so yesterday.  I had three questions I wanted to ask.  She was open to answering them, even said how remorseful she was over what had happened.  She has a three-year-old daughter and is going to be married in a few weeks to the father.  Maybe she has changed I thought.

So, my questions:
Who pursued who?  *pause* It was mutual.  I mean, I’m trying not to make him sound bad so….let’s just say mutual.

However- I know what I saw and it doesn’t jibe.  But there was plenty I never saw and MrJJ never told me.

How far did it go?  *long pause* well, all the way.  I didn’t stay for the sex though and it was only 2-3 times.  I stayed because he promised me everything I wanted.

As far as I knew, there were no plans for the future.  But then, he claimed all they did was kiss too.

How long did you stay in contact afterward?  Not at all.  As soon as he decided to try with you, he dropped me like a hot potato.  I tried and he didn’t give me the time of day.

He promised so much and left me standing alone.  Jerk and I tried to reconcile but ended up divorcing a year later.  I had dreams a couple of years later that MrJJ came back to me and I told him off.

So, who do I believe?  I talked to MrJJthat day and tried to trick him into thinking I had called Harlot.  He was aghast and angry that ‘she’ would claim there was more than one time of sex.  When I revealed that I had talked to Sorry, he still denied it, saying she was still trying to hurt.  And now I am confused.  Maybe she is telling the truth and he’s lying.  Or maybe she hasn’t changed at all and is trying to live out her dream of getting back at him and hurting him like he hurt her.  Apparently she had dreams of a future where her main attraction for him was that, unlike his virgin wife, she had been around the block and was promising sexual adventures when the time came.  She bragged about threesomes and kissing other women.  MrJJ said, “That was the real attraction of her.  I just couldn’t bring myself to do it while we were still married.”

So here I am, still confused and holding onto the wonderful advice- you don’t have to make a choice now.  I am trying to learn to be on my own and who I am.  Actually, who I am is a pretty wonderful person.  The quality of my friends shows me that.

Right now I am trying to get involved in a few playgroups starting up around here.  Going to start attending La Leche League meetings again.  And starting with a Bible study group and having time on my own.  I hope to get the car fully registered in the next week and be able to wander where I will.  And I am slowly getting back into the idea of creating again.  I am gaining my confidence back.

As for MrJJ  I am ready to admit I love who he was and who he might be, yet I am not a fan of who he is.  Perhaps our marriage counseling can help us deal with each other better.

So, that’s my shameful story.  A past I feel like I shouldn’t forgive.  A lie that I shouldn’t believe.  A love I can’t seem to let go.

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