look for the girl with the broken smile

She will be loved. 

I thought about titling this something like Welcome Mat to Worn out Welcome.  But on the way home from dropping Silly Son off at school, I was listening to “She Will Be Loved” and that line struck me.  Also, I will be loved.

I do feel like I have gone from a welcome mat to a stronger person.  I have been feeling guilt lately that I dump so much here (and on my Sis and M. the two people I call the most).  Of course, you have a choice whether to read it, but maybe you inwardly groan- not another should I shouldn’t I post!  Note- this is my own insecurities here and the life-long habit of trying not to intrude on anyone’s life in anyway.  For instance, if I come to your house and you offer me a drink, my automatic response is, “No thanks” whether I am thirsty or not.  Silly, I know and I am trying to work on that.

I know my friends are worried that I will fool myself and stay with MrJJ even if he doesn’t make the changes needed.  I suppose there is always the danger, but I am putting measure in place to avoid that.  I have a list of the ways I need him to change.  I have also decided that instead of the year of  separation before a divorce, we will have a trial year together.  I have yet to get a chance to discuss it with MrJJ, but I will.  If there comes a point in that year that either of us feels it’s the end, we can do a no contest divorce.  During that time, we will each have goals for the marriage to work on.

I talked to our marriage counselor yesterday for a third party objective third opinion.  I figured he was the only one that met MrJJ so maybe he had insight my therapist and pastor didn’t.  He said yes, there is hope- don’t feel like a fool for hoping.  But in all honesty, the odds of a guy like MrJJ changing are slim.  He did say that MrJJ has a sensitivity that he usually doesn’t see in people in P’s line of work and that’s promising.  The problem, he thinks, that led to the flirtations and this affair is that MrJJ either has a fear of intimacy or just has a hard time dealing with it.

So funny to me, since I crave it so intensely but because of my hangups I am afraid to reach out for it.  I always thought that even though his parents were divorced, he had a secure family- with his mom his entire childhood.  I used to envy that he had one parent that gave him unconditional love when I had none.  Now I see that wasn’t enough.  He also always had extended family nearby.  But what kind of family and what did the time with his asshole dad do?  FWIW- if you think MrJJ is an ass, you should meet his father.  His nickname (MrJJ gave it to him, no joke) is Satan. He kidnapped MrJJ when he was little and tried to make a run to Mexico.  Yet, when I see them, he never wants to interact with him.  When we still visited him, he would put us to work cleaning his house and yard.  His dad’s family is certifiably wack-a-doo.  At his (paternal) Grandfather’s funeral when I was pregnant with Silly Son, his Grandmother questioned whether it was MrJJ’s child.  During a solem (and rarely seen out of the tribe) Native American ceremony at the funeral, one of the aunts burst into a tirade that the speaker was a G-D liar, that her daddy told her before he died that he wasn’t Native American.  He was white and Jewish dammit!

On his mom’s side, they just don’t know how to connect.  My dad says that even if I don’t see it, there’s the residual behavior marks of alcoholism in the things I tell him about them.  You can act like an alcoholic without drinking.  They gossip about each other (my favorite uncle of MrJJ’s is supposedly gay and so is his son.  The wife is just a beard).  We got married in ’94 after living together for less than a year and when I announced my pregnancy in ’99 I was told that some of the extended family still thought I had a 5-6yo.  We (MrJJ and I) joke about Silly Son’s older sibling being off in boarding school.

I think that even though he was surrounded by family, he had such a lack of connection that he just doesn’t know how to deal beyond the surface.  That’s why he’s so charming, that part of it he has had his entire life to practice.

As for me, I had mom and dad then mom and stepdad and dad and stepmom.  My stepmom would threaten to divorce my dad and leave me to take care of him.  I would constantly be in the middle of conversations about how much the court costs and plane costs were to get and keep me.  I felt like I was the cause of any and all money and marital troubles.  After all, being the bad girl split my parents apart, right?

Anyhow, I don’t mean this to be a pity party.  I just wanted to share that I do see things with clear eyes and maybe I don’t always tell the whole story.  My problem has always been that in hindsight I can see the path that led to (wherever here at the moment is) in such detail but I can never figure out what to do with it.  That’s why I am reaching for the outside sources.

I also wanted to really thank you guys to being friends.  I always want to reach out but have resisted for so long that I think I may go overboard at times.  Your patience with me is much appreciated.


Currently listening:
She Will Be Loved
By Maroon 5
Release date: 07 September, 2004

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