I’m Angry

Ok, a friend of mine read my blogs here and felt that I had misplaced anger towards C– (funny, I feel weird calling her Harlot lately).  Actually, anything I think about her actions goes just as much for MrJJ.  When I think, “How could she…” it is always quickly followed by, “How could HE….”

So here it is, my anger released.

I’m angry that for the beginning part of our marriage (well, pretty much all of it until Silly Son was born) that I worked and went to school full time and supported us with the exception of financial aid as the only income.  Now he is whining about supporting us for 6yrs on a professional’s salary.

I’m angry I put up with him yanking and grabbing and pushing me until ’97, thinking, “It’s not real abuse.”

I’m angry that he started in on me verbally when the physical stuff stopped, telling me constantly that things would be so much nicer if I wasn’t such a bitch.

I’m angry for believing him that things would get better when we didn’t have money and now that we do, he just spends more instead of making things better.

I’m angry I let him blame lingering resentment on my kicking him out in ’97 as an excuse for his emotional affair in ’99.

I’m angry he did the bare minimum as a parent these past 6yrs, citing me as the ‘expert’ and him too tired from work to ‘deal’.  Now he wants to take the kids as though he’s had more than 8% of the involvement in their upbringing.

I’m angry over him talking about all the “nice stuff” we have and how it’s not taken care of.  When there is so much stuff and only one person cleaning it and I tell him I am overwhelmed.

I’m angry that instead of helping me through my depression he called the insurance company once, made me call the potential doctors and now claims he has done so much to help me through my depression that he can’t take it anymore.

I’m angry he thinks he can tell me who to go to for help (a REAL therapist rather than my pastor- even if he has a secular license) and whether or not I need meds.

I’m angry he used my depression as an excuse to see another woman.

I’m angry that he spends money rather than saving it for bills and we are sitting here in a 56 degree on the inside house just because he couldn’t be bothered to sign and send in the propane contract.

I’m angry he wants me to get a job so he can keep spending; I feel as though he wants to sacrifice our kids on the alter of materialism.

I’m angry I had to use my savings from selling the carriers I made to pay for Sweet Daughter’s dental operation and it turns out we might have had the money had he not taken his whore to a $150 a night hotel.

I’m mostly angry at myself that I still love him even after seeing all these things in black and white and knowing there’s more I haven’t thought of.

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