Never a Clear Answer

I hate that because of the past and the kids and love there’s never a clear answer which way I should go.

Because of the past, I should leave.  Because of the kids I should leave if he can’t change.  Because of the chance for real love in my future I should leave if he doesn’t change.

Because of the past, I should stay.  Because of the kids, I should stay and we can work things out.  Because we do love each other, I should stay; it means he can change.

I’m fooling myself I think.  I was able to talk to him about how he needs to at least send something back when he reads the emails.  Like the videos Silly Son made and we put on Youtube.  I told him how the non-response makes me feel like there’s a distance between us that I thought was gone.  How he responds only to the business end, not the I Miss you stuff.  I also said I know he’s busy, but a quick note takes just a moment.  I now know he can make the time for anything he wants- after all, he made time for a whole relationship, right?

He was angry, but not in his usual way.  Angry because they have him working long hours and yet he understood.  I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around that because these past months long hours were a lie really.  I know that because of where he is, odds are it’s not a lie.  I can’t help but think that’s a little bit of God’s punishment to him.

I was doing laundry earlier, and came across the last of his clothes I need to wash.  As I shoved them into the washer, I thought about Harlot.  What kind of woman takes up with a man when his wife is suicidal?  What did she think was going to happen when I found out?  And then of course, there’s always the flip side- anything bad about her means bad about him because there were two people in this.  What did he think was going to happen?

I really do think the timing of my healing was a blessing, otherwise, had I found out earlier, there might have been no healing.  Had I found out during my irrational stage, what would I have done to myself?  Where would that have left the kids?  Did he even think about how huge the damage could have been?  How much more wounded his family could have been than they are now?

I think so many negative things about him sometimes, yet hope keeps the bonds of love alive.  I just pray I can keep my eyes open to the truth and leave if/when it’s time to leave.

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