Two Kinds of Distance

Today I had an appointment for what I thought was a meds eval. It was, but it turns out that practice won’t prescribe meds if the mom is still breastfeeding. So I am back to square one. I suppose that’s a good thing, I’ll have to work out other coping techniques instead of relying on a magic pill. But I just kind of want that magic pill so I don’t have to be strong.

Something that struck me is that out of the three professionals I have talked to individually in the past month, all three seem rather skeptical of MrJJ being able to change. I’ve already been feeling distant from MrJJ because he’s not exactly lovey-dovey through emails of on the phone. But now I feel like maybe I should be protecting my heart more and hoping less.

So he’s far away, and so am I. I started looking for jobs and homes in the area that I can afford. I’m pretty sure we won’t have a huge custody battle if I stay in the area. He’s mentioned me staying in the house, but I just can’t do it. It’s not the lifestyle I ever wanted, I accepted this big house and the BMW and all that for love of him- because it’s important to him. What’s important to me is this little family I have made. Maybe it has to shrink by one person, but I don’t have to shrink with it by staying in a house that will never feel like mine.

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