Against All Odds…a Piece is Missing

We went to marriage counseling on Friday night and got to a place of better communication and prepared for what to expect on his trip. Because of that, we were able to spend the weekend in relative peace as a family and enjoy the time we had left.

He did finally admit that the gift certificates I had found the tags for had been meant for her for Christmas. He says he used the bookstore one for himself and brought the other back. The greeting card he thinks he threw away. Still sounds hinky, but I know him, admitting to things for him is hard. He’s going to have to do it for us to survive though.

I told him I understand the nature of his job means weird hours at times and I can’t always know everything. So if I am going to have to blind trust where most women get evidence, he needs to act it out towards me and things like this, I know him well enough to sense even a half-truth.

While he’s gone, I will be concentrating on me and the kids. The subject of the affair is on the back burner. I can’t guarantee he won’t be in touch with her, although I do have his Hotmail account password (unbeknownst to him 😉 ) and since that’s how they used to communicate, if they took it up again I’d bet on that. But for three months I am free of the worry of her for the most part and I hope he gets her out of his system.

With counseling I do believe we have a chance. It won’t be easy, but it would be worth it. All that remains to be seen is whether he can change. Right now he’s so focused on me changing, he doesn’t see what needs to be done on his end. I’ll give him some time to see what I have in my heart about myself I don’t want to let go.

For instance, I looked in the mirror yesterday for no reason. Never do that. I thought, “Wow, I have beautiful eyes!” I was floored- a positive thought about myself. I’m having them more and more lately.

I asked him Saturday night to bring me to reality. In my mind I had two scenarios. One is that he wants to commit but is afraid the change in me is short-lived so if he does and I go back to miserable me, he’s stuck in a promise he can’t live with. The other is he’s waiting for me to be on meds to dump me. When I mentioned the first, he had a shock of recognition and said, “That sounds familiar.” The second he laughed at and said, “No…no- the first is more likely.”

Last night, as I was looking at him and thinking about what it felt like to say goodbye to him again like when he went to boot camp, it felt like the years melted away and we were 18 again. As we looked at each other I told him I wished I was the only one he loved, even for a moment. He said, “You are the only one in my heart right now.”

It’s things like that that make leaving so hard I suppose. Adding the kids makes it even harder. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have allowed myself hope, not after a second time. But there seems to be a difference this time in how he is acting. Now if I can just keep my head in the game instead of just my heart so I know when I should let go.

So, against all odds, I miss him so much today. We’ve been connecting like we haven’t been able to in years. I just wonder that I am not going to be a fool in all of this. I pray our marriage can be healed, but am afraid that if it doesn’t, my heart will be broken again in the process.


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