Happy New Year- BASTARD!

So I’ve been totally cool. I’ve seen how we let our marriage fall apart, I knew the likely-hood of an affair happening. I’ve focused on how we can try to fix things. Yes, I have had my insane moments, but not nearly as bad as they might have been.

Last night, after nursing Sweet Daughter for the millionth time- she’s sick, but still, you get worn down. I started thinking of how everyone’s needs are met but mine. I started thinking about how the resources that should have gone to me went to her instead. Money and time. And how he was so fucking smug when I cracked under the pressure, “See, I told you, you always blow up.” About a month before I found out is when I started to change. But there was still pressure.

So I finally told him. You’re a fucking bastard for what you did and I resent that you put all this pressure on me while you relaxed. I hate that I had to use my savings to pay for Sweet Daughter’s teeth while you went to a hotel room. You tightened to noose and got all smug when I struggled. It justified you even more.

He still doesn’t think I need the answers to my questions- it’s in the past. But how can I build future trust when he still keeps the lies of the past alive? I told him that if he can’t see his way to one day answering what I need to know to heal, the marriage might as well end. Because he never answered what I needed last time and look what it did to our marriage. It ate away at it.

I’ve been going through the stages of grief and last night I finally hit anger. I’m writing these thoughts down and taking them with me to the marriage counselor next Friday.

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