lost my head a bit

So a couple of weeks ago, after a confrontation about my snooping, MrJJ and I came to an agreement. I would stop snooping if he told the absolute truth. I, however, didn’t tell the absolute truth. I had more knowledge up my sleeve and kept it until my suspicions were confirmed. I had found a few items in his car. The tags to a couple of gift certificates, an unopened iPod and directions to a hotel among other things. Now, let me say now that MrJJ is not an organized man. He stuffs things wherever and forgets. I do know the iPod and the cards weren’t there the week before- last time I used his car. Thing was, the certs were for two stores that do not have locations in our town.

So I waited until Christmas to see what I got. The iPod- I had us return it as I already have one and this maybe have been newer w/ pics and in color and all, but less memory. I didn’t need to upgrade a fancy Walkman for the ‘thrill’ of color and pics.

No cards. So I asked him. Denial, “They were for you, I think I returned them but I forget.” Yeah.

This morning I figured since he was lying about the certs, then I was released from no snooping. I went through his office. Found a cell phone agreement from 9/30/06. All the while he’s denied the existence of a cell phone. Then I find a card holder for a hotel an hour or so away- his name and a room number on it. A ‘mix CD’ labeled “HAPPY” in a female-type writing. Crooning Al Greene (I think that’s the singer) pissed me off instead of breaking my heart. A phone number that turned out to be hers. Other various little stuff. Last time, in a fit of ‘guilt’ for snooping, I threw away the evidence as a gesture of trust. This time I am packing it up and mailing it to a safe place.

I started a phone calling campaign. He didn’t answer his cell (starting at 530am) or his work number. I called the urgent numbers and left messages and was on the verge of calling a friend whose husband works in the same building. And another family friend that worked nearby. I refrained. I did call her (Harlot’s) number and have Silly Son say to the voicemail: Daddy, call home! Then I sent him from the room and said, “That’s the voice of the child you stole time from. Have your boyfriend call home NOW.”

I was torn between frustration and prayer. I was all set to pack the kids up and drive down to his job, expired tags or no. My sis finally returned my call (she’s on the other coast) and talked me down. While I was talking to her, he called. Sounding all calm. I launched into my speech:
This is what’s going to happen. I am in the process of retaining a lawyer. We will write out a separation agreement (huh? why he asks) effective the day you leave for Iraq. I will control finances, pulling us out of the hole you got us into (huh what’s going on?) and removing the allotted amount you promised to support me and the kids. (what?) by the time you get back we will have moved out.

Wait a minute, what’s going on?

Instead of blaming me like he usually does, he told me he understood. That he hadn’t fessed up when I asked outright because of shame. Forget less than a week ago he told me he felt no remorse or shame. Just some sorrow that I found out and was hurt.

He says all this stuff is the past (it could very well be, it was a briefcase he hasn’t used recently and I dig when I snoop). That we’re going through a change and there has been nothing since 12/4.

I just don’t know when to end it and when to allow my family to be torn apart. I do know I am feeling a bit of glee to know what a kick in the gut it will be for her to hear Silly Son’s voice on her voicemail when she gets off work. {later note- that only happens when the other woman has a heart}

I am debating getting a better snoop program for his computer but I am afraid of the ramifications.

I am one step closer to calling his mom and letting her know what’s up, as well as the connections from his work. Not to mention finally blogging this shit in public at my regular blog. Blogging is such a release for me, I resent holding that issue quiet where I am so honest everywhere else. It was a relief to see my friend M. put a little sentence in her blog about ‘a friend who’s husband was having an affair’. I didn’t feel so alone and unheard.

Another find, in a memory stick hidden away. The file is from early October.

I hope she is feeling some of the pain I am. If he has truly cut it off, I hope she feels alone and rejected. I hope she hears my son’s voice and sobs from guilt. But I doubt it.

Update:
She sent MrJJ an email to his work address, supposedly all professional, letting him know I called and left a message. MrJJ originally said “messages” but I corrected him. There was one message…whatever she may say. This is when Vonage comes in handy, you can do a search for all numbers dialed, so I have proof.

Much Later update: It was all a lie. The affair hadn’t ended.

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