living by whose rules

Right now, I’m hating him. It’s X days PO, so that might be it. But I resent how much I have pushed myself down to try and keep him happy and in the meantime, he believes it has all been him trying to keep me happy. Um where? Where has he listened to me? Tried to be an actual partner? Joined in my life rather than being next to my life.

Weeks ago he was pushing divorce “for my good”. I fought it. But you know, now that the initial ACK has worn off, I am ready and willing. I would be able to live how I want on a daily basis. We’ve talked in ‘whatifs’ and when I mention getting a small place near Silly Son’s old school and friends and living a more simple life, he states, “I couldn’t let you do that.” Sorry, if you’re not my spouse anymore, there’s not ‘let’. I will live how I want and if you think it’s b/c of no money and throw money at us, it would still be like that. It’s called saving some of what you earn- you should try it sometimes. He’s been talking about a couple’s counselor. Supposedly went to a ‘grueling two hour session’ on Friday [side note- much later I found out that therapist was Dr. H, Harlot’s therapist. She encouraged the A- I have independently ascertained this- as a means to ‘explore their happiness’]. I have yet to go to a counselor that made a difference besides our old Pastor G. Maybe I’m just too screwed up.

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