invisible

lately i’ve been feeling like the invisible girl. ironic as i am so big. i suppose i could reach out to people and they’d reach back. but but but

i sent out a letter on my birthday about what depression was doing to me and got replies for maybe 3 days.[note- MrJJ sent a copy of this very personal email to Harlot] then back into oblivion. the thing is, i don’t feel that i have a right to be depressed. i don’t feel i have a right to intrude in anyone’s life. i mean, everyone is busy, everyone has their own problems, why should mine matter?

i think my marriage is ending. my husband is tired of ‘rescuing me’ when i called him on it, he said well, maybe not ‘rescuing’ but perhaps keeping the peace instead. yeah and i suppose you didn’t listen when my doctor had a talk with you about how depression makes a person short tempered, as well as- well- depressed?

i always thought- well, into my late teens i thought i just had a lousy personality. but i really am bubbly and funny and thoughtful and sweet. it was just slowly torn from me. i had no right to be happy, to intrude to be myself. my mom taught me some of that, but my stepmom was a big one. yup, i think i can say that was a big part of it. i was never good enough, worked hard enough, did the right things.

what does that do to an ego? i tell you what it does, it depresses it.

now, i have a group of friends that mean the world to me and i feel like i could fall off the face of the earth and they wouldn’t notice.

i have a husband that i long to pour out my soul to, yet he doesn’t even want to deal with what he has heard.

i suppose the only thing is to pay someone to listen. how much does that suck. how much does that enforce my belief that i am worthless when it comes to my friends and family?

i want to be more i want to be everything i want to be loved i want to be the supporter i want to be the life of the party i want to be interesting i want to be a shining star i want to be me

instead i am a puddle of human inadequacies.
thanks mom stepmom1 dad i owe you one, really.

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